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Since You’re in the Market for a New Country…
By Daniel Ruttenberg June 25, 2016 Don’t go changing your flag just yet, because we have an offer for you. You’ve got a vacancy, and we want in. That’s right: The Ruttenberg Family…
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Improved Hygiene Lasts Three Days
By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 21, 2015 According to eyewitness reports, area undergraduate Wendy Robinson’s new hygienic rituals have officially ended after only three days of implementation. Robinson, 20, promised herself that she would…
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Five Questions I Would Ask My Doctor If He Were Still Answering My Emails
By Morgan Pantuck June 29, 2016 1. Do I have 1. Do I have restless leg syndrome? My leg wiggles a lot. Well, not a ton, but more than usual. I’d say a…
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New Admissions Flowchart Announced
By Morgan Pantuck July 7, 2016 In addition to Regular Decision and Early Action, the University of Chicago recently decided to add Early Decision 1 and 2 to it’s list of application options.…
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We Fucking Hate Pandas
By University Administration July 8, 2016 Over the past few years, the UChicago Office of Sustainability has worked with campus and community partners on several important projects, including ventures to improve waste reduction…
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Help! The Moldy Banana I Accidentally Left in Storage Has Achieved Sentience
By Jacob Johnson July 23, 2016 Look, we’ve all been there. You open one of the boxes you stored before you left last June, and your nose is suddenly met with the pungent…
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A Letter from the Editors
By Matthew Goldenberg and Walker King Aug. 17, 2015 Dear Members of the UChicago Community, It’s with a heavy heart that we announce the return of the Chicago Shady Dealer for another year…
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Op-Ed: Porn is Worse Here
By Ryan Fleishman July 25, 2016 op-ed: porn is worse here Porn. I love it, you love it, we all love porn, but especially me. I love porn the most, so I am…
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Omance Goes Oorly
By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 A recent Omance between Benjamin Brooks and Cate Preston has gone Oorly, according to anonymous Ources. The Ources say Brooks and Preston Oth live in Ony Island…
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Naughty: Venn Diagrams With a Third Circle
By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 Thanks for reading this issue of ThanksThanks for reading this issue of the Shady Dealer! You all deserve a surprise… a sexy surprise: Hide that from your…
