By James Reece Aug. 26, 2016 Dean Ellison Awakes from Week Long Bender with No Memory of Welcome LetterThursday, August 25th, 5:16 PMUniversity of Chicago Ddean of StudentAadmissions in the College John ““Jay”…

By Katie Zellner and Morgan Pantuck Sept. 7, 2016 By Katie Zellner and Morgan Pantuck 1. When he invited you over to look at his sheets. Unfortunately, those weren’t 400-thread-count Egyptian cotton, but…

By Dan Lastres Sept. 9, 2016 Burton and Judson Harry Judson and Ernest Burton, among the University’s first presidents, curmudgeonly float room to room bemoaning what the University has become since they ran…

By Nico Aldape Oct. 9, 2016 In a move that has caught students, professors, and society by complete surprise, the University of Chicago Administration has announced an exciting series of publicity stunts. “These…

By Hakim Lahlou Oct. 9, 2016 In a shocking turn of events, a prospective Student Council member had to be forcibly removed from the UChicago campus, after accidentally dropping out of school. The…

By Philip O’Sullivan Oct. 10, 2016 A lLocal area Chicago nerd began his annual preparations for pretending to keep up with baseball for the upcoming World Series this year. The nerd, who earlier…

By Shira Eisenberg Oct. 10, 2016 Donald Trump Quote or Nickelback LyricSupporters of both problematic blonds are afraid to go public. by Shira Eisenberg 1. Let’s start off with an easy one: “When…

By Jacob Johnson Oct. 10, 2016 Gary Johnson (Sleepy Gary) Originally born in the far-away land of Aleppo, Sleepy Gary was cursed as a child by an evil witch from childhood to fall…

By Nico Aldape Oct. 10, 2016 After reaching the scientific conclusion that “this doesn’t look anything like the one on the box,” a University of Chicago Department of Geophysical Sciences study has found…