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Tragedy! Area Student Finishes Her Drink Before the Rest of Her Meal
By Nik Varley April 26, 2016 In an event that can only be described as a tragedy, area student Sarah McDowell finished her drink while she was only halfway through her meal. The…
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Student Wondering How They Can Unsubscribe from “Sad News” Listhost
By Walker King April 27, 2016 After receiving the fourth email this quarter with the subject line “Sad News,” second year Michelle Kang wondered aloud how she might go about unsubscribing from that…
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Study Finds Overheard At UChicago Most Calm, Neutral Discussion Forum
By Nico Aldape May 2, 2016 A new University of Chicago Department of Sociology study has found that the Facebook group “Overheard at UChicago” is, in fact, the University’s most neutral, objective group…
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Pope Francis and Bernie Sanders Team Up to Become Crime-Fighting Team
By Adam Lowinger May 2, 2016 FollowingAs a result of their brief meeting in the Vatican, in which the two discussed their shared ideology concerning globabl poverty, Pope Francis and Vermont Senator Bernie…
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Suspicious: Every College Council Member is EXACTLY 6’2”
By Milena Pross May 6, 2016 Okay, something’s up and I can’t be the only one to notice it. I’m not normally one to dive into conspiracy theories, but there are just too…
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5 Albums You Should Only Masturbate To On Vinyl
By Teddy Zamborsky May 13, 2016 1. Exile on Mainstreet – The Rolling Stones Can you think of a better album to shake your hips,s, and your spidermonkey, to in its original analog…
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Why Hillary Is Just Like You #Swag
By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 Hillary Clinton recently has gotten a bad rap about being “cold” and “unhip” with young people, but I am here to remind you that she is just…
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Murdered Statistician Found Normally Distributed
By Nico Aldape May 13, 2016 In a recent study published by multiple members of the University of Chicago Department of Statistics, recently murdered deceased statistics professor Angelino Drinkwater has been found uniformlynormally…
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Malia Obama receives Honorary University of Chicago Degree to Counteract Harvard Admittance
By Adam Lowinger May 13, 2016 In response to the Nnews that President Barack Obama’s eEldest daughter, Malia, will be attending Harvard after taking a gap year, the University of Chicago has decided…
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Horribly Misguided Sign Tells Drivers To “Stop”
By Ryan Fleishman May 13, 2016 Having driven along Wabash AvenueCrabapple Road multiple times in the last 2 weeks, residents of Chicago have unhappily realized that some absurd new sign in the road…
