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Murdered Statistician Found Normally Distributed
By Nico Aldape May 13, 2016 In a recent study published by multiple members of the University of Chicago Department of Statistics, recently murdered deceased statistics professor Angelino Drinkwater has been found uniformlynormally…
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Malia Obama receives Honorary University of Chicago Degree to Counteract Harvard Admittance
By Adam Lowinger May 13, 2016 In response to the Nnews that President Barack Obama’s eEldest daughter, Malia, will be attending Harvard after taking a gap year, the University of Chicago has decided…
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Horribly Misguided Sign Tells Drivers To “Stop”
By Ryan Fleishman May 13, 2016 Having driven along Wabash AvenueCrabapple Road multiple times in the last 2 weeks, residents of Chicago have unhappily realized that some absurd new sign in the road…
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University of Chicago Campus Temporarily Relocated to Rural Illinois after Muggings
By Willamina Groething May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago campus will be moved to the University of Chicago’s Center in Wynoose, IL for the 2016-2017 academic year after several armed robberies in…
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U of C Professor Publishes Breakthrough findings in Human Knot Theory:
By Alek Binion May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago mathematics department was abuzz this past Saturday after peer review determined the validity of faculty member Paul Phillips revolutionary findings in the already…
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Memorial Day 2016: Honoring Our Fallen Drones
By David North May 13, 2016 For 14 years, the drone program has given the Ppresident of the United States the ability to execute surgical, extrajudicial, and often political murder from the comfort…
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Local Couple Announce Relationship has Been Cancelled
By Katie Zellner May 13, 2016 Jen Karamchandny and Joe Gaddis have announced that they are discontinuing their relationship after a successful three season run. Mutual friend and self-described producer of the relationship,…
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My Liberal Arts Education Has Been Incredibly Useful
By Katie Zellner May 13, 2016 Since the dawn of man, there has been debate about the value of a liberal arts education, and, as a UChicago aAlumnaus, I just want to say…
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White Male Econ Major from New York Goes Missing, No One Notices
By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 First year and prospective economics major Bret Nicholson from New York went missing last week. No one noticed. Of the hundreds of other straight, white males from…
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Now That It’s Spring, I Should Probably Shave My Three Meters of Armpit Hair
By Breck Radulovic May 13, 2016 Hello, spring, and goodbye Old Man Winter! It’s been a long one, and so I haven’t touched a razor since mid-October. But now that it’s over…
