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Memorial Day 2016: Honoring Our Fallen Drones
By David North May 13, 2016 For 14 years, the drone program has given the Ppresident of the United States the ability to execute surgical, extrajudicial, and often political murder from the comfort…
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Local Couple Announce Relationship has Been Cancelled
By Katie Zellner May 13, 2016 Jen Karamchandny and Joe Gaddis have announced that they are discontinuing their relationship after a successful three season run. Mutual friend and self-described producer of the relationship,…
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My Liberal Arts Education Has Been Incredibly Useful
By Katie Zellner May 13, 2016 Since the dawn of man, there has been debate about the value of a liberal arts education, and, as a UChicago aAlumnaus, I just want to say…
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White Male Econ Major from New York Goes Missing, No One Notices
By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 First year and prospective economics major Bret Nicholson from New York went missing last week. No one noticed. Of the hundreds of other straight, white males from…
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Now That It’s Spring, I Should Probably Shave My Three Meters of Armpit Hair
By Breck Radulovic May 13, 2016 Hello, spring, and goodbye Old Man Winter! It’s been a long one, and so I haven’t touched a razor since mid-October. But now that it’s over…
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Pro-Israel and Pro-Palestinian Students Agree on Two Campus Solution
By Chase Harrison May 13, 2016 Citing “irreconcilable differences,” Pro-Israel and Pro-Palestinian groups on campus have agreed to split the campus territory between each other. In a rare joint statement, leaders of the…
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Retired Kentucky Derby Runner-Ups: Where are they now?
By Adam Lowinger May 13, 2016 Bluegrass cat (2006) – Fallen out of use and relevance in recent years. An appointment scheduled for Glue factory. Hard Spun (2007) – Used his fame and…
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First Year Clearly Faking Hickey
By Daniel Ruttenberg May 13, 2016 It is pretty damn obvious to all bystanders that first year Jack Rowler showed up toat Professor Hills‘’ Reading Cultures class with a fake hickey. “I think…
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Area Man totally would have gotten that Goldman Sachs Internship had he applied
By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 Today at around 5PM CST Second Year Economics Major Kenneth Moore was seen overtly lying about his marketability and desirability in the A level of the Regenstein…
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North Residence Hall Renamed Following Donation From Dickwad Fuckwit
By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago released an official statement this morning confirming that famed alumnus and billionaire philanthropist Dickwad Fuckwit will be donating nearly $70 million to the…
