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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Golden Man In the Oscar Should Hold a Tinier, Golder Oscar

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 1. The Golden Man Might Get Lonely! People aren’t the only ones who get lonely, you know. The Golden Man deserves a friend too. 2. The Oscar…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    My Son is Going to Love This Meme I Posted on his Facebook Wall

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mr. Z, Ted’s Cool Dad Dec. 31, 2015 When you spend a lot of time with your kids, you start to get an idea of what makes them tick. My son Ted,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Year, Same You

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Dec. 31, 2015 Millions of people celebrated the coming of the New Year across this world this past January, and while many of them made resolutions and set goals of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Last UPS Delivery Man Gives in, Trades Shorts for Pants

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething Dec. 31, 2015 One Chicago UPS truck delivered more than mail this past Tuesday: the surprise of the week was brought to residents’ front doors when local UPS delivery man…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Opinion: A College Football Playoff Without UCF Has No Credibility

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Coach Danny Barret Dec. 31, 2015 There’s been a lot of college football playoff-related controversy since the concept was introduced last year. Most people are glad that the top four teams get…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Donald Trump Googles Self

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 Late Wednesday evening, Donald Trump was spotted by Shady Dealer reporters in a dimly lit study in his Palm Beach home googling his name and variations thereof…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    An Open Letter to the Other Guy in this Revolving Door

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Walker King Jan. 3, 2016 Hey buddy, how are you doing? In a revolving door, I see. And not just any revolving door. This revolving door, with me. Welcome. You’ve probably already…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tips to Spice Up Your Platonic Friend’s Sex Life

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 4, 2016 Stock up on fun condoms. Your friend will appreciate the special twist on their sex life when you surprise them with a Trojan Fire & Ice Ultra-Thin…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    6 Pre-Meds More Qualified than You

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck Jan. 4, 2016 1. Emma Steinberg Emma Steinberg realized that she wanted to be a doctor during her freshman year of college when she volunteered at the local hospital and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Why I am Requesting a Room Change

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross Jan. 4, 2016 I was so excited to have a roommate in college.F from first impressions alone, Edna seemed great. But we’re a quarter in, and I’m requesting to move…

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Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

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  • University of Chicago Rolls Out New “Post-Mortem Education Continuity Plan”
  • Heartwarming: North Resident Bravely Pulls Fire Alarm at 11 PM in Solidarity with Woodlawn
  • Harvard Student: If I Didn’t Want an A, I Would’ve Gone to UChicago!
  • Point: Cancel Classes for Snow / Counterpoint: You Knew Chicago Was Colder Than California
  • Econ Professor: University Could “Fix Deficit” by Repossessing Free Orientation T-Shirts
  • In sharp response to ICE aggression, Democrats write extremely angry letter
  • Student to Test Limits of Regenstein’s “Snacks but No Meals” Policy
  • Student killed by Roommate’s Anthropomorphic Lamp
  • The Three Sub-Schools of UChicago

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