The Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • Online Only
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
  • Home
  • Online Only
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Security Alert: Summer in Review

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Marlon C. Lynch, Associate VP for Safety and Security Aug. 9, 2015 The University of ChicagoSeptember 20, 2015Security Alert At approximately 9:50 p.m., Thursday June 19th, 2014 — A victim not affiliated…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top 7 Most Creative House Themes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross Aug. 9, 2015 The university prides itself on its unique housing system. With thirty-eight houses and eleven dormitories, the places where students live vary in appearance, cleanliness, and distance from…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A One-Star Review of My New “Bad Cop” RA

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross Aug. 9, 2015 I’m not normally one to write a review, but I feel it’s my civic duty to warn my fellow students about a plague upon the House Systemhousing…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Roommate Apparently Gone Hunting

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Aug. 10, 2015 As of last Tuesday, University of Chicago student Jim Jackson has disappeared in order to “hunt”. According to multiple sources, Jim was working on creating his fall…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Trauma Center: Progress, But the Fight Does End Here

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Leafhorn Sept. 12, 2015 The University of Chicago’s recent announcement of plans to build a trauma center on the South Side has many celebrating and lauding this decision. The promised trauma…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Botany Pond Opens For New Year of Swimming

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Greothing Sept. 22, 2015

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    CNN to Model Next Presidential Debate after the Hunger Games

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Zoe Kaiser Oct. 8, 2015 Emboldened by the ratings brought in by the Republican presidential debate, CNN plans to base the next Republican primary debate on the popular Hunger Games books, pitting…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Donor offers 500 million to rename House Fuck

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Zoe Kaiser Oct. 8, 2015 A donor, who has elected to remain anonymous, has offered the University of Chicago 500 million dollars to rename one of the houses being moved to North…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Pearson Institute Established to Resolve Global Conflict Between Econ Majors, Rest of World

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic Oct. 8, 2015 News of a $100 million donation was well received, with both Economics majors and human beings with souls agreeing that the new Pearson Institute for the Study…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Rattling Radiator Actually Maintenance Worker Trapped in Wall

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Grace Quigley Oct. 11, 2015 The search for Leo Fox ended late Thursday evening when the 43-year-old was found inside the wall of Maclean residence hall behind what was previously thought to…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Get Your my.UChicago Data Off the Dark Web in Five Easy Steps
  • Twelve Ways to React When Someone Says Something You Disagree With in Class
  • Analyzing Melina Hale’s Welcome Video for Avant-Garde Sensibilities
  • It’s Springtime! Flowers to Sniff, Poke, and Potentially Buy
  • Duo Authentication Requires New Blood, Urine, and STD Test Sample to Verify Identity; Most People Fail
  • Maroon Wins Pulitzer Prize for “Courageous” Reporting on Reg Bathroom Closure
  • Odyssey Scholars Program replaced by David Rubenstein Sugar Baby Program
  • An Open Letter to My Professors: If Congress Can Take a Vacation When They Have Work to Do, Why Can’t I?
  • Point: Dining halls should strive to incorporate healthier cereals. Counterpoint: You can pry the Lucky Charms out of my cold, dead hands, bitch!
  • President Trump Declared Dead after Not Posting on Truth Social for 5 Seconds

Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • Online Only
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Archives

Categories

For Writers

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
© 2026 Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • Online Only
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
Ashe Theme by WP Royal.