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What are Your Favorite Presidential Candidates Doing Over Winter Break?
By Breck Radulovic Nov. 19, 2015 10. This holiday season, Jeb Bush will avoid appearing in any family photos. 9. In a break from Trump family tradition, the Donald will give Christmas presents…
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Point/Counterpoint: Stay in the Closet, Son
By Nik Varley Nov. 19, 2015 Point: Mom and Ddad, I’m cComing oOut of the cCloset By Son Hey mMom and dDad, I brought you guys here because I have an important announcement…
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Astronomer Discovers Water in Satellite Dorm
By Daniel Ruttenberg Nov. 19, 2015 NASA Astronomer Charles Ledson announced on Thursday that they had discovered water in Breckinridge, a satellite dorm of the University of Chicago. “Today is a truly momentous…
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Top 5 Places to Fuck in the Reg
By Willamina Groething Nov. 20, 2015 On top of Mansueto:: Ggo ahead,. fFuck really hard. The glass can take it. A Level: Tthe white boards can take it, too. The counter of Ex…
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Nirvana Preemptively Eliminated from Summer Breeze Lineup
By Ryan Fleishman Nov. 20, 2015 In an unexpected turn of events, the Major Activities Board has officially announced this Wednesday that Nirvana will not be able to perform at this year’s Summer…
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What to do if the Toilet Water Splashes in Your Butthole
By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2015 This phenomenon is also known as Poseidon’s Kiss! Remember that this happened to gods too. Archeological studies found that the output of Hephaestus, Greek god of fire…
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Area Student’s Daily Schedule Totally Unchanged By Lockdown
By Ryan Fleishman Dec. 1, 2015 After all classes and activities aton thethe entire University of Chicago‘s Hyde Park campus wereas cancelled and the campus putput on lockdown due to a terrorist threat…
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A Five-Star Review of Riding my Bike on the Sidewalk
By Alan Rogers Dec. 31, 2015 The wind in my hair, the dewy sheen of sweat upon my forehead, the screams of pedestrians… Ah, yes. My name is Alan Rogers and I love…
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Student Nominated for Oscar for Daily Performance of Gender
By Chase Harrison Dec. 31, 2015 When the Oscar Nominees were announced on January 24th, many of the usual candidates were nominated: Leonardo di Caprio, Cate Blanchett, and Eddie Redmayne. However, one complete…
