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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Study Finds Wild West Themed Party Not Going to be Very Good

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Hannah Gitlin July 25, 2015 After a recent study conducted by Emma Jacobson and the rest of the O-Week crew that is somehow already cool, Friday night’s “Giddyup” party most likely won’t…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Will You be a That Kid, or are You Already a That Kid?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape July 26, 2015 1. To what degree do you think you know everything? a. This quiz looks pretty hard. b. I’m average, I guess c. I feel reasonably confident in…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Words With the Highest Social Capital

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mary Vansuch July 28, 2015 Dinner party swag Yaaaaaaaasssssss (careful on spelling; this can dramatically change the value) Authentically Crafted Peoples of Smashing Freely Traded and Organically Grown Swagger Calumet Fisheries Children,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Alpha Phi Omega

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Shady Dealer Aug. 1, 2015 Ever wanted to be in a frat without the booze? The Peace Corps without the credit? Boy Scouts without the fire? JOIN ALPHA PHI OMEGA! Focus on…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Shady Dealer’s Guide to Rationalizing Housecest

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Teddy Zamborsky Aug. 1, 2015 Being the incredibly sexy people we are, Dealer writers are uniquely equipped to guide you through the perilous journey of your first college romance. So here is…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    So You’ve Challenged Your RA to a Fight to the Death

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Teddy Zamborsky Aug. 1, 2015 Well, it is best that you accept that this is happening. I’m sure you consulted your house constitution to see what kind of fight is officially sanctioned.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dressing for Your Major

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething Aug. 1, 2015 Anthropology: Raspberry Vinaigrette Biology: Italian Cinema and Media Studies: Honey Mustard Classics: Caesar Computer Science: Creamy Caesar Economics: Green Goddess English Language and Literature: French Environmental Studies:…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Other things you can Add/Drop

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething Aug. 1, 2015 Study: Students Are Add-Dropping More Than Their ClassesThe Chicago Shady Dealer interviewed 230 students in the college to find out what they’ve add/dropped beside Honors Physics, and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Organic Ways to Start a Conversation

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething Aug. 1, 2015 1. Pick your new friend and follow them closely 24/7. Once they get used to seeing you everywhere, it will be like you already know each other…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Smoke a Cigarette

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Vivienne Foumeau, Paris Correspondent Aug. 1, 2015 Make sure you are visibly positioned among your group friends as you loiter, perhaps on a street corner or in a public park. With a…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Heartwarming: North Resident Bravely Pulls Fire Alarm at 11 PM in Solidarity with Woodlawn
  • Harvard Student: If I Didn’t Want an A, I Would’ve Gone to UChicago!
  • Point: Cancel Classes for Snow / Counterpoint: You Knew Chicago Was Colder Than California
  • Econ Professor: University Could “Fix Deficit” by Repossessing Free Orientation T-Shirts
  • In sharp response to ICE aggression, Democrats write extremely angry letter
  • Student to Test Limits of Regenstein’s “Snacks but No Meals” Policy
  • Student killed by Roommate’s Anthropomorphic Lamp
  • The Three Sub-Schools of UChicago
  • Bowls of Adderall Labeled “Don’t Do It ;)” Found Across Campus
  • Trump creates “Random Gender Generator” to replace X markers on passports

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