The Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Does the Color of the Dress Matter in Post-Racial America?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mary Vansuch April 25, 2015 Every Friday night is ladies’ night, and last night I happened to give my bestie a call before we went out. I told her I was having…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    It Happened to Me: My Palm Reader Was a Murderer

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Laniel Dastres April 26, 2015 It isn’t everyday that you can pay a small fee to have a stranger inform your life and career decisions with visions of the future. That’s why…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    8 Ways to Improve Your Marriage Without Ever Speaking Ever

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein April 26, 2015 Marital problems? We’ve all been there. Some people will tell you to talk it out, but sometimes it’s best to keep your troubles to yourself and never…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Real Man Speaks: Telling My Girlfriend To Calm Down Works Literally Every Time

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Lucas Chen April 27, 2015 Women can be very emotional. I recently read a New York Times article that claimed that women’s emotions are an asset, not a liability. But when it’s…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Horoscopes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Zelda April 27, 2015 Aquarium: Your soul mate was born today. Pervert. Pieces: Turn left in 0.5 miles. Your destination will be on the right. Keep an eye out for stop signs,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Will Punching Through The Glass Ceiling Harm My Unborn Fetus?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Glinda April 28, 2015 Dear Glinda, I’m five months pregnant, and glowing with happiness. I’m also an associate analyst at McKinsey, and I’m so close to getting a promotion. But I’m worried–will…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Forlorn Obama Spends Weekend Going Through Hope Chest

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Walker King May 26, 2015 A nostalgic Barack Obama reportedly spent most of the previous weekend in his personal bedroom, White House sources in the White House sources close to the Presidentinformed…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Why, I Think I’ll Vote for Bernie Sanders

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar May 26, 2015 Why, I Think I’ll Vote for Bernie SandersBy Jamie Dimon, CEO, JPMorgan Chase I was speaking on the phone the other day with my good friend Hillary…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Hookup Culture Doesn’t Exist

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape May 26, 2015 I keep hearing about this “hookup culture” supposedly present on campus and people complaining about being “sexiled,” but I’m honestly not convinced. No one’s been brought home…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Restaurant Patron Haunted by What Could Have Been

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck May 26, 2015 According to insider reports, 35-year old Gregory Sheppard, who recently dined at an Olive Garden restaurant with his girlfriend, experienced intense feelings of regret and loss when…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • LA Dodgers Fan finds out the Dodgers are a Baseball team and not a Hat Company
  • 5 Movies to Reject the Christmas Spirit while still saying you’re watching a Christmas Movie
  • Catholic Family Realizes They’re Nation’s Last Practitioners of the Advent Wreath; Experts Confirm the Three Kings Are “Not Coming, Don’t Wait Up”
  • UChicago Tour Guide Fired after Confirming “Where Fun Goes to Die” Culture on Tour
  • Air Force Forms Task Force of Skydiving Spiders
  • 10 Things To Do on Campus This Fall That Feel Almost As Good As Being Loved
  • Trump claims to have discovered “Constitution 2” allowing him to do whatever he wants
  • Pumpkin Spice Adderall® now available from your local dealer for your fall-themed 9 hour cram session in the Reg
  • Karoline Leavitt to respond to CNN journalists with yo mama jokes
  • President Alivisatos found drunk at frat party after US news report

Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Archives

Categories

For Writers

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
© 2025 Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
Ashe Theme by WP Royal.