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Restaurant Patron Haunted by What Could Have Been
By Morgan Pantuck May 26, 2015 According to insider reports, 35-year old Gregory Sheppard, who recently dined at an Olive Garden restaurant with his girlfriend, experienced intense feelings of regret and loss when…
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An Exclusive Interview with My Least Favorite Neighbor
By Milena Pross May 26, 2015 n Exclusive Interview with my Least Favorite NeighborYou waited months and months, and The Chicago Shady Dealer finally got hold of him. I sat down with none…
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Scientists Determine You Won’t Finish This Article Because It About Science
By Dan Lastres May 26, 2015 A crack team of scientists, sociologists, and journalists from the University of Chicago recently have published a report definitively showing that you won’t finish this article because…
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For First Time, More Graduates Expected to Cry at Graduation than Parents
By Evan Bernstein May 26, 2015 According to a study newly released study from by the Polsky Center for Entrepreneurship and Innovation at the University of Chicago, the bulk of the crying at…
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Michelle Obama Releases Pack of Dogs to Chase Obese Children
By Ryan Fleishman May 26, 2015 Last Tuesday, as the final phase in her Let’s Move! program to promote health and fitness among American youth, First Lady Michelle Obama officially released a large…
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What’s Better Than A Vaccine?
By Willamina Groething May 26, 2015 In a recent study conducted by some mommybloggers you know personally and definitely trust, 374 items were tested, and these 15 were found to be objectively better…
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Gay Marriage Stance Added to Official List of Yoga Poses
By Alexander Dunlap May 26, 2015 Yoga practitioners faced an expanded repertoire last week, as new asanas were added by the Yoga Council to the official list of yoga poses. Most discussed among…
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Area Youth Wastes First Wet Dream on Mrs. MacNeilson
By Dan Lastres May 26, 2015 Tuesday- LocalCHICAGO—Area pre-teenager Alex Sanderson had been anticipating his first unconscious orgasm since he first heard his older brother, Jacobke Sanderson, soil the sheets of thehis bottom…
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Study: Fear of Snakes “Totally Reasonable”
By Daniel Moattar May 26, 2015 Study: Fear of Snakes “Totally Reasonable”The fear of snakes is a completely sensible reaction to environmental factors, including extreme fucking deadliness and terrifying goddamn slithery noisesResearchers at…
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MIT Scientists Unsure What You Did in Chem Lab
By Morgan Pantuck May 26, 2015 Citing your product’s unusual color, texture, and melting point, Citing your product’s unusual color, texture, and melting point, a panel of MIT’s top scientists confirmed today that…
