By Evan Bernstein May 26, 2015 Look around you. Are there people? Are they alive? Cool. That’s all you know, though. Anyone who isn’t in your immediate field of vision right at this…

By Milena Pross May 26, 2015 Many people are ashamed of their sexual preferences, but it’s 2015. Fetishes that were once thought of as “unusual,” “disturbing,” or “very very inappropriate for brunch” are…

By Evan Bernstein May 26, 2015 According to sources who wish to remain anonymous, everything was set up perfectly for Julia Meyer’s date last Saturday. There were candles on the table, she was…

By Walker King May 26, 2015 Mom, I appreciate all you’ve done for me. Were it not for the fact that you selflessly feed and clothe me, and selflessly allow me to e…

By Sam Taylor May 26, 2015 1) Inklings, Histories, and Mysteries 2) Hanging out with the gang 3)Carp 4)Sweatshirts with the words “Let’s Hear it for the Boys!” 5) Cheetos Brand Cheetos 6)Stuff…

By Dan Lastres May 26, 2015 Victims’ Families Find Comfort in Protracted Legal Battle Convicted murderer Hollis Rhoper, better known as “The the “Falsetto Killer,” has received a deathcapital sentence on Wednesday for…

By Anna Belle Newport July 17, 2015 The University of Chicago Office of Admissions, after releasing statistics on the incoming class of 2019 on Tuesday, claims to have the most globally experienced cohort…

By Morgan Pantuck July 21, 2015 Area man Ted Peterson passed away in a tragic Zumba accident earlier this weekend. Peterson, 31, was lifting weights at his local gym when he passed an…

By Morgan Pantuck July 22, 2015 The international community expressed widespread alarm this weekend as Vadimar PuginIvan Ivankov, the current Condom Czar of Hitchcock House, mobilized his condom army and began a military…

By Hannah Gitlin July 25, 2015 After a recent study conducted by Emma Jacobson and the rest of the O-Week crew that is somehow already cool, Friday night’s “Giddyup” party most likely won’t…