Lifestyle
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Twelve Ways to React When Someone Says Something You Disagree With in Class
If you’re like me, you’ve spent many sleepless nights wondering what you can do when a thing like this happens. Luckily, after consuming what would for a normal person be a dangerous quantity…
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It’s Springtime! Flowers to Sniff, Poke, and Potentially Buy
We’ve checked the data: the increased frequency of sneezing by individuals with pollen allergies, the scratchy evidence left by blood-thirsty mosquitos and other insects, and the month (May). And we feel confident that…
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Point: Dining halls should strive to incorporate healthier cereals. Counterpoint: You can pry the Lucky Charms out of my cold, dead hands, bitch!
HOW DARE YOU. How do you sleep at night? You’re stealing JOY and WHIMSY from CHILDREN! I have Lucky Charms every day and I’m FINE! I LOVE RAINBOWS!
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Millions of Souls Stuck in Limbo as Heaven Undergoes Maintenance
Souls who made their way to the Pearly Gates were greeted by a sign bearing the words “SORRY, CLOSED :( GO 2 LIMBO PLS” in chalk. Beside the sign stood a cardboard cutout…
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We Should Do This Thing, Says Guy Who Just Doesn’t Fucking Get It
Unfortunately, Guy Who Just Doesn’t Fucking Get It failed to consider the existence of the concepts of nuance or logistics. Although his idea seems like a sensible opinion that could theoretically keep cars…
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Student Accidentally Calls Former Second-Grade Teacher “Professor,” Dies of Shame
The accident occurred at the Target in Pepper Pike, Ohio, while Cavendish was visiting home. “I hadn’t seen Miles in years, so I went up to him and said hello,” Finklewhite said through…
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Top 5 Things Making a Comeback in 2026
Measles - The rash is in! Coming soon to a local child near you (now complete with Nicole Kidman-style intro!)
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“Never Heard of That Movie”: The Top 5 Things You Say When the Oscars Are On
Everyone would agree that the Oscars are definitely an efficient event. Absolutely no bloating whatsoever. And while the Academy promises to limit speakers’ speech time… there’s always that one guy who can’t shut…
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Top Five Passive-Aggressive Stares to Give to Somone Eating Too Loudly in the Reg
They must be ignoring you. How else could they miss your second peek? Time to escalate. Drum your pencil on your notebook a little. Give them a taste of the pain they’re inflicting…
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University of Chicago Rolls Out New “Post-Mortem Education Continuity Plan”
Students enrolled in the PMECP can expect the same, if not greater, academic rigor in the afterlife as on the material plane. This will involve weekly problem sets, midterms, language requirements (all students…
