How to Butcher Your Favorite Childhood Chicken

Thinking of getting a nice meal out of your darling pet hen? Just feeling a bit hungry and/or stabby? Here are some steps that you’re going to want to follow when betraying your beloved childhood pet chicken Daisy.

Keep your surroundings clean

Hey, your conscience isn’t going to come out of this spotless, so your working area might as well. It’s especially important to keep your elbows clean — you’re going to need them to wipe your eyes while your hands are covered in oozing raw meat slime. Also, you have a feeling Daisy will really appreciate it. Nobody wants to go out in a pigsty, not even a chicken. 

Grasp her by the neck

Holding the body of your beloved friend by the neck will help you take advantage of gravity in helping to detach the torso cleanly. As a nice bonus, it might also help you face the fact that you, Daisy’s most trusted confidant, are about to slit her throat and cut off her beautiful warbling head forever. You will never hear her songs again. (Not that she could ever sing anyway.)

Ease her into death by reminding her of the good times you’ve shared

What better way to wrap up your emotional connection with Daisy than with your fist around her fragile nape? Serenade her with tales of that time when you ran home crying after a breakup, and she nuzzled up to you until you stopped sniffling, showing care and love that you never got from your actual human mother. But be sure to hold on tight — it’s hard to get chickens to sit still and listen to you, especially when they’re about to die.

Just go for it

The faster you swing the blade, the less Daisy’ll suffer. So really whack that sucker!

Butcher her respectfully 

Most chefs will tell you to wear gloves when tugging off a chicken’s skin, but considering that Daisy was your best friend as recently as two minutes ago, you will probably want to smell her blood on your hands, if only just to keep your memory of her heartbeat alive that much longer. When rotating your knife around the base of the wings, think back on how you were also the one to clip Daisy’s wings, depriving your precious friend of flight both in life and death. Remember how she flapped at the air, desperate to reach the clouds? You did that to her. And now she’s dead.


When cooking, place raw onions next to the meat so you can give your friends an excuse for why you’re sobbing. Hopefully the nuggets come out delicious — they better be! Pair with an entire bottle of a nice red wine to help you forget.