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Longstanding UChicago Tradition Datamatch Returns for Its Second Year
“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch!” That’s right, folks, it’s that time again: your favorite event of Winter Quarter, nay, the year, is back! Datamatch,…
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University Disappointed to Discover Jewel Purchase Does Not Include Mango Pods
January 29, 2020. In a clerical error, the University of Chicago has purchased the property of 61st and Cottage Grove, current home to Jewel-Osco. The deal, costing the University $20 Million, appears at…
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Michael Phelps: “Therapy Helped Me Overcome My Fear of Drowning under the Weight of 23 Olympic Gold Medals”
You probably all know me as Michael Phelps, the American swimmer who happens to be the most prolific champion in Olympic history. But what you might not know is that for years,…
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Trump Signs Executive Order Making “Gangnam Style” the Official National Anthem
Get ready to gallop into the New Year because President Trump has found a way to make all sports games from now until forever a lot more exciting and culturally relevant. Say goodbye…
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Let’s Face It: God is not a Good Writer
God peaked with his renowned Genesis. But is the hype worth it? Ever since it was first published in 950 BC, Genesis has been a reader favorite, taking its place on a top shelf in every…
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The Bachelor Final Rose to Go to Living Windmill That Speaks Exclusively in Plane Puns
Sources from ABC had claimed that the ending of The Bachelor would not be spoiled, but Reality Steve strikes again! The gossip blog has revealed that this season’s final rose will go to…
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Lonely First Year, Desperate for Pet, Grows Mold
Everyone should know by this point in the year that the only pets allowed in dorms are the RH’s dogs and kids. Kevin Garcia, however, discovered the loophole of all loopholes. He spilled…
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University Reaffirms Stance on Campus Regulations
Following recent University correspondence with the undergraduate community at the University of Chicago regarding campus policies on legalized marijuana in the state of Illinois, University Administration has doubled down by publishing a list…
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Trump to House Democrats: I Am the Senate
In a White House meeting with House leaders earlier today, President Trump reportedly warned Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) from bringing articles of impeachment before the Senate for a trial, screaming…
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Rushdie Happy to Have Just Finished NaNoWriMo
Yesterday, Booker Prize Award Winner Salman Rushdie was seen scrambling out of bed in what looked like an unwashed undershirt, which barely covered his belly, throwing on his glasses to crank out the…
