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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Campus Life

    Another Woke Liberal Lie, Dining Hall French Fry Not Actually French

    Michael Wagner / March 24, 2025

    Some students demand the return of real fries, while others argue sweet potato fries are a gateway to dark cults like veganism.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Accidentally Sugars Campus Sidewalks Instead of Salting Them

    Sheep A. Doodle / March 21, 2025

    When confronted with our discovery, Bob Frost, a spokesperson for the task force, apologized for the mix-up. “Don’t be salty about it,” he pleaded. “If I gave you two buckets of white granular…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Freshman Discovers New Theorem Explaining Why You Always See Your Opps in A-Level

    Malhar Manek / March 16, 2025

    There are 4 key study spots on campus (A Level, Harper, Mansueto, and all other floors of the Reg) and you know more than 4 people, so at least 1 of them must…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Launches Puppy Killing Prevention Institute, Funded by John D. PuppyKiller

    Samy Kouidri / March 15, 2025

    “While our legacy is defined by immolating, decapitating, drowning, and otherwise exterminating puppies with maximum prejudice, we recognize the need to change the narrative. We’re exploring the feasibility of potentially considering alternatives—someday.” 

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Breaking News: North Resident Transferred to I-House

    Andrea Zhou / March 14, 2025

    After a thorough psychological evaluation of the student, Housing & Residence Life approved the request.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “Who is Dean Boyer?” asks confused First Year

    Justin Bilenker / March 13, 2025

    “I just saw a Sidechat post about a bicycle. Who is Dean Boyer? Is he like a student or something?”

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Chicago Shady Dealer

    “A Confusing Day for the Truth” – Shady Dealer Bid to Purchase The Thinker Put on Hold

    Miles Jonson / March 11, 2025

    Previously, the Dealer, the only source of legitimate news in this hemisphere, had been declared the winner of an Eka House-sponsored auction to acquire the Thinker, its erstwhile competitor, beating out shadowy shell…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Two-Factor Authentication Taking Too Long? Here Are Some Alternatives

    Elliot Florack and 1 more / February 18, 2025

    Is all this security really necessary? For your convenience and my sanity, we propose some reasonable alternatives to DUO two-factor authentication.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Student Tour Guide Fired for Just Making Shit Up About Gargoyles

    Rebekah Wright / January 15, 2025

    In an exclusive interview, Myers told The Dealer, “I got tired of walking backwards, wildly gesticulating, explaining that I personally picked this school because my dad went here, and telling prospective students that…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Med Vows to Speed Up Cancer Growth Unless $100 Million Is Donated to Free Speech

    Michael Wagner / January 14, 2025

    When pressed for comment, the Free Speech program's director offered a cryptic defense. "Cancer grows, just like ideas. It’s a metaphor. Or maybe it’s not. You decide—that's free speech in action.”

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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