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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Campus Life,  Chicago Shady Dealer

    “A Confusing Day for the Truth” – Shady Dealer Bid to Purchase The Thinker Put on Hold

    Miles Jonson / March 11, 2025

    Previously, the Dealer, the only source of legitimate news in this hemisphere, had been declared the winner of an Eka House-sponsored auction to acquire the Thinker, its erstwhile competitor, beating out shadowy shell…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Two-Factor Authentication Taking Too Long? Here Are Some Alternatives

    Elliot Florack and 1 more / February 18, 2025

    Is all this security really necessary? For your convenience and my sanity, we propose some reasonable alternatives to DUO two-factor authentication.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Student Tour Guide Fired for Just Making Shit Up About Gargoyles

    Rebekah Wright / January 15, 2025

    In an exclusive interview, Myers told The Dealer, “I got tired of walking backwards, wildly gesticulating, explaining that I personally picked this school because my dad went here, and telling prospective students that…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Med Vows to Speed Up Cancer Growth Unless $100 Million Is Donated to Free Speech

    Michael Wagner / January 14, 2025

    When pressed for comment, the Free Speech program's director offered a cryptic defense. "Cancer grows, just like ideas. It’s a metaphor. Or maybe it’s not. You decide—that's free speech in action.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Establishes Center for the Investigation of the Pursuit of Knowledge, Happiness and Success

    Daniel Pressman / January 12, 2025

    Using empirical methods and qualitative analysis inspired by the teachings of Aristotle, a team of researchers will determine the best, most virtuous way to live.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Woodlawn Pooper Strikes Again – Will Work on Building His Own Type of Bomb

    Niles Watson / January 10, 2025

    “Is it performance art? Is it a protest? Or does he just really hate indoor plumbing?” mused one sociology professor, who plans to write a paper titled Defecation and Devastation: Urban Anarchy in…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Midterms, in Fact, Mid

    Shawn Quek / January 4, 2025

    Following a university-wide poll, our researchers at The Dealer have come to the conclusion that midterms have been mediocre all around.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Op Ed: New Option For College Council Voting – Vote For Everyone!

    Kevin Zackovich / January 3, 2025

    You did the right thing and made everyone feel good! You might even receive a “I Voted!” badge for your efforts.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Reg to Throw Out “Old, Gross” Special Collections

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / January 2, 2025

    “Thank God they’re getting rid of all that old stuff,” said Jennifer Gritter, a third-year majoring in history and Classical Studies. “I hate having something so dusty and decrepit on this campus. Good…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “We Don’t Know Why We’re Out of Money,” Says Uchicago Admin Poorly Hiding Mountain of Pickles

    Emma Zamansky / January 1, 2025

    “Pickles? In the reading rooms? Noooooooooo,” said Dean Melina Hale upon questioning. She then proceeded to shout, “They’re onto us!” into a walkie-talkie before running away.

    read more
 Older Posts
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  • OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders
  • Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted
  • Major League Baseball Removes Retired Number 42 After Trump Calls Out DEI Agenda
  • Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot
  • UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students
  • “The More I See The Kendrick Lamar Halftime Show, The More I Like It!” Says My Aunt Laura
  • Eric M. Heath Accidentally Sends Safety Email to Hyde Park Crooks, Ne’er-do-wells

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