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Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
#2 - Indie Street Cred: a pressed vinyl copy of MJ Lenderman’s Manning Fireworks ground up and blended into a cappuccino. Choke it down like the cool guy you are.
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New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
The Dealer interviewed the new printing software, PaperCut MF (PaperCut, MotherFucker). “That SOSC assignment? The one that’s only a few pages? BAM! That’s 0.0003% of a REAL TREE, you MONSTER!”
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Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
The soon-to-be defunded research and development team of the Shady Dealer is here with some helpful advice to save your grade! Please use these tips responsibly and under no circumstances tell anyone where…
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[Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense
If you ask me, if we were characters in Leo Tolstoy’s 1878 classic novel Anna Karenina, all of those guys in the other frats would 100% be Alexei Vronsky.
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Non-political Maroon Article Gets View
“We are asking around to make sure the click didn’t come from one of our staff, and so far, it hasn’t.”
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UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students
The recommendation, published in a 300-page working paper entitled “Invisible Hands, Visible Fees,” outlines a dynamic pricing model in which students from abroad would pay additional “access tariffs” to enroll in classes, attend…
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Eric M. Heath Accidentally Sends Safety Email to Hyde Park Crooks, Ne’er-do-wells
The message included a coded map to the location of the spare key to the administration building—guided by a limerick written by Former Dean John Boyer—and the fact that UChicago blue lights are…
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Rockefeller Chapel to Get Sleek, Cool Upgrade Once They Figure Out Who Put That Scaffolding Up There.
University leadership admitted in a press conference Tuesday that the scaffolding was not actually theirs. When asked how this could have happened, University President Paul Alivisatos dabbed his forehead with a gold monogrammed…
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Student Disgusted by “Horripilating” Decline of UChicago’s Intellectual Culture
"I applied ED to this derelict institution under the fatuous impression that it was still a citadel of higher thought. Yet with each passing day I am compoundingly impelled to think that we…
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UChicago Sends Melina Hale to Scope Out Northwestern for Potential Takeover
Hale’s actions have spurred rumors that UChicago is trying to take over a school with fewer Big Ten football wins than it (UChicago 7, Northwestern 0).
