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Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
To cut costs, Molecular Engineering professors were rushed to the scene in lieu of real civil engineers.
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“Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting
“It’s been neat playing around with this whole ‘expanding your capacity to engage critically with challenging ideas’ and ‘deepening your understanding of your role in an ever-changing world’ routine, but it’s time to…
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Peer Mentor “Thrilled” for Group Meeting, Spends 45 Minutes on a Lonely Zoom Call
"I think I'll give them a few more minutes," Francisco murmured to the empty screen. He took a sip of lukewarm coffee and practiced once more his opening line, "Hey everyone, so glad…
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Some Motherfucker Broke the Woodlawn Study Room Window over the Summer, Haha!
Like, seriously, how do you break that window? It’s huge, and difficult to even crack. And someone broke it entirely! Did they, like, throw a table at it or something? At least it…
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Waitlisted Students Rejoice! Five First-Years Have Gone Missing in the MSI Mirror Maze
The University has assured the public that they are doing everything they can, including calling out the students' GPAs and SAT scores in the hopes that they might be lured out by the…
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UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
When asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The Dealer, “No! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can’t hear you, leave me alone!”
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Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
"Our argument was full of gotchas and strawmen and random factoids that could plausibly be traced to some website or social media post we looked at. There were no contentions, structure, rebuttals, or…
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Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
Throughout the day, Hyde Park residents were notified of further incidents such as “group of preteens in park,” “car playing rap music,” and “student 3 minutes late to return charger to Regenstein Tech…
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Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
#2 - Indie Street Cred: a pressed vinyl copy of MJ Lenderman’s Manning Fireworks ground up and blended into a cappuccino. Choke it down like the cool guy you are.
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New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
The Dealer interviewed the new printing software, PaperCut MF (PaperCut, MotherFucker). “That SOSC assignment? The one that’s only a few pages? BAM! That’s 0.0003% of a REAL TREE, you MONSTER!”
