The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Deblina Mukherjee

Diego Matamoros

Managing Editor

Kelly Tsing Sum Lo

Layout Editor

Christian Villanueva

Copy Editors

Harry Weinstein

Rahul Gupta

Photo Editor

R.E. Stern

Social Secretary

Kate Kaplin

Director of Special Projects

Merrin Seegers

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

  • Campus Life

    How To Get This Quarter’s Existential Crisis Over With Early

    January 21, 2021 /

    As winter quarter begins and your courses kick into high gear, it's once again time to face the fact that at some point between now and finals, you’ll inevitably break down. But can you really risk an existential crisis during finals week? Here are five ways to get this quarter’s mental breakdown out of your way before the shit hits the fan.

    read more
    R.E. Stern 0 Comments

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    Admin Introduces Reading Hour Every Week That Accumulates Into One Reading Day

    March 10, 2021

    I’m an Alpha Delt Pledge and You’re a Loser

    April 13, 2021

    Michele Rasmussen Declares That Frat Parties Are “Not Poggers” in Attempt to Connect with Youth

    April 12, 2021
  • Campus Life

    Ranking All the Friends I Made During Autumn Quarter

    January 20, 2021 /

    Due to COVID-19 restrictions, this has been a difficult time for first years to make friends. Social gatherings and many activities usually seen as a way to establish connections have either been cancelled or turned into a virtual event. These challenging circumstances make it commendable to create relationships in this unusual school year. In honor of this, I have taken it upon myself to showcase the beauty of friendship by creating a definitive ranking of all the friends I have made.

    read more
    Merrin Seegers 0 Comments

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    Zoom Host Drunk with Power

    October 19, 2020

    UChicago to be Film Location for New ‘Community’ Documentary

    November 18, 2020

    In Bid for Diversity, Board Chooses Muppet as Next UChicago President

    March 1, 2021
  • 93GAa4wm3z4HbenzLbxWeQ
    Campus Life

    Conspiracy Theory: First Years Aren’t Real

    November 19, 2020 /

    In recent news, the life (of the mind) at the University of Chicago has been brought to a startling halt after rumors began circulating that Administration forwent accepting ACTUAL students for the class of 2024 in favor of trained, underpaid actors. While this may seem outrageous, anyone who has actually seen the way freshmen are acting on campus right now will tell you that their behavior is highly incongruent with what is expected from  a typical UChicago admit. For one thing, there has been a significant decline in crying sounds and general sounds of misery in and around campus hot spots. This could hypothetically be attributed to COVID and social…

    read more
    Annie Dhal 0 Comments

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    “First Year Drops HUMA, Claims It Does Not ‘Spark Joy’”

    January 28, 2019

    New Central Route to Only Turn Right

    May 27, 2019

    Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

    November 16, 2020
  • Arts & Culture,  Campus Life

    UChicago to be Film Location for New ‘Community’ Documentary

    November 18, 2020 /

    Universal Pictures has just announced plans to release a Community Documentary in early 2023. The President of Universal Pictures, Peter Cramer, said his team made plans to the put the movie in production after learning of the paintball incidents at the University of Chicago.

    read more
    Dan Harmon's Secretary 0 Comments

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    Dean Boyer’s Cover Band to Play Seals and Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on Endless Loop in the MAB Beer Garden

    May 16, 2019

    5 Takeaways from Oscar the Grouch’s New Album: When I Get Home, to My Trash Can

    May 16, 2019

    I Broke My Pencil and Now I’m Sad I Can’t Fix It.

    October 19, 2020
  • Campus Life

    Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

    November 16, 2020 /

    A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest number, 87381. 

    read more
    R.E. Stern 0 Comments

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    Admin Introduces Reading Hour Every Week That Accumulates Into One Reading Day

    March 10, 2021

    Frats Release Statement: “Hey Look, A Cool Bird!”

    April 8, 2021
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    Conspiracy Theory: First Years Aren’t Real

    November 19, 2020
  • Campus Life

    The Top 4 Chicago Thinkers: Number 3 Will Shock You!

    November 12, 2020 /

    The Chicago Thinker thinks their writers do the best thinking out of anyone. Today we pay homage to The Chicago Thinker and its team of Thinkers™, by honouring some of their influences -- the greatest Chicago thinkers to ever have existed.

    read more
    Benny Elfman 0 Comments

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    Sorority Girl Accidentally Summons Satan During COB Event

    November 10, 2020

    Michele Rasmussen Declares That Frat Parties Are “Not Poggers” in Attempt to Connect with Youth

    April 12, 2021

    In Bid for Respectability, Theta Becomes Cult

    November 5, 2020
  • Campus Life

    Sorority Girl Accidentally Summons Satan During COB Event

    November 10, 2020 /

    Gracie, a prospective classics major, had accidentally gotten her copy of Dante’s “Divine Comedy” mixed up with the 666-page New Member Education booklet distributed to the girls the week before.

    read more
    Anna Katz 0 Comments

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    Conservative Students Silenced by Regenstein Library’s 4th floor

    February 27, 2021

    How To Get This Quarter’s Existential Crisis Over With Early

    January 21, 2021

    Spring Break to be Renamed ‘Kenneth C. Griffin Week of March 21st’

    March 12, 2021
  • Campus Life

    Phil the Phoenix Eats Child

    November 7, 2020 /

    In an unwelcome addition to an already stressful week of exams and papers, beloved UChicago mascot Phil the Phoenix is reported to have recently eaten a child.

    read more
    Cameron Chang 1 Comment

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    Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

    November 16, 2020

    The Top 4 Chicago Thinkers: Number 3 Will Shock You!

    November 12, 2020

    UChicago to be Film Location for New ‘Community’ Documentary

    November 18, 2020
  • Campus Life

    In Bid for Respectability, Theta Becomes Cult

    November 5, 2020 /

    Following years of racism and discrimination, this UChicago sorority is shaking things up. In their most recent grab for respectability, Kappa Alpha Theta has decided on a bold new direction for their sisterhood: worship to the Great God Cthuhlu.

    read more
    Audrey Scott 0 Comments

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    November 7, 2020
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    Forget Kuvia: Here are 8 Easy Ways to Get a Free T-Shirt on Campus

    January 28, 2019

    How To Get This Quarter’s Existential Crisis Over With Early

    January 21, 2021
  • Campus Life

    Zoom Host Drunk with Power

    October 19, 2020 /

    In a shocking turn of events, Carl Shelton, Zoom host of his chemistry study group’s meeting this week, has become inexorably drunk with power. 

    read more
    Cameron Chang 0 Comments

    You May Also Like

    Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

    November 16, 2020

    How To Get This Quarter’s Existential Crisis Over With Early

    January 21, 2021

    Michele Rasmussen Declares That Frat Parties Are “Not Poggers” in Attempt to Connect with Youth

    April 12, 2021
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Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • 8=Democracy
  • About Us
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Read It and Weep

  • Inaugural Spring Break Activities to Attract Record Numbers
  • UChicago Ad “At the Forefront” of Carlos Rodón’s No-Hitter
  • On His Last Night, Prince Phillip Spotted Playing Pong, Hitting It Off with the Bros at AEPI
  • I’m an Alpha Delt Pledge and You’re a Loser
  • Michele Rasmussen Declares That Frat Parties Are “Not Poggers” in Attempt to Connect with Youth
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