It was a dark Friday night, and Zakry Gaylord Beta, a second-year Economics major, had just returned home after a long, arduous day of solving Lagrangians. Naturally, he was tired, so he did what any tired college student would do: he hung up his Canada Goose and fired up his laptop to watch funny videos on YouTube. However, when he clicked on Fail Army One Hour Fail Compilation, he saw not bicycle fails and drunk brawls, but rather a message from Geico to save $100, a tip on how to find work on Fiverr, AND a plea from Apple to buy the newest iPhone. This experience of big business shoving…

Hey! Thanks for agreeing to get coffee. I know you’re busy, but I’ve got 20 meetings today and a p-set due tomorrow after my 4 interviews, so I could only just squeeze you in today. Thanks again. (I stand up and shake your hand.) (You try to end the handshake but I prolong it a few more seconds.) Ha-ha! That’s the stuff, a good firm grip will take you anywhere, y’know. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I, an economics major, am passionate about finance. I know! Wild, huh? Me, a 21-year white guy wearing a ghastly salmon shirt I paid too much for, passionate about finance? Bet…

I see you. You’re the one walking across the Quad without a glazed look in your eyes. I see you with your hand not raised in HUM discussion because you recognize that perhaps your comments aren’t all genius and that other people can contribute. I see you going to bed without crying yourself to sleep. There’s something I want you to know. I hate you. When I was in middle school, I was showered with compliments. “Sam, you’re so smart!” “Sam, you’re the best!” “Sam, you can do anything!” And those lies made me who I am today: an emotionally unstable underachieving piece of shit. And that’s ok. But you.…

One campus tour was turned upside-down yesterday after Scott Madden, a second-year tour guide, passed through Hull Gate and moved his group of bright-eyed high school seniors in front of the Reg. All was well as he chattered about collaborative learning and the A-level–that was, until it appeared. Madden watched in horror as a pale apparition emerged from the Reg, coughing and muttering about his thesis. “Oh geez, and to think I was gonna make the ‘where fun goes to thrive’ joke,” Madden commented. “I don’t think that any tour guide could come back from that one.” The zealous parents faces distorted as fourth year Walt Wiseman pulled a pack of Marlboro menthols from…

By Breck Radulovic Oct. 8, 2015 News of a $100 million donation was well received, with both Economics majors and human beings with souls agreeing that the new Pearson Institute for the Study and Resolution of Global Conflicts would help ease tensions between future millionaires and future happy, but otherwise unsuccessful and entirely unremarkable people. Second-year Philosophy major Tatum Adams and third-year Economics major Chet Johnson were excited to hear about the Institute at the RSO fair. “There’s been a bit of ill-will between people like me and people like Chet, but the announcement of the Pearson Institute has already begun to bring us closer together” said Adams, who described…

By Breck Radulovic Sept. 24, 2018 In a letter distributed to incoming first-years, the University of Chicago announced new penalties for students caught streaming pornography on university internet connections. The letter signed by Dean of Students John “Jay” Ellison called porn an “inappropriate use of school resources.” The letter stated that any student caught watching pornography would face harsh disciplinary proceedings in the Dean’s office. Ellison’s letter clarified which networks would constitute a breach of the new policy. “Students may not use uchicago-secure to stream illicit material and are reminded that their internet connection is associated with their UCID. Students are also prohibited from using uchicago and uchicago-guest networks to…