I see you. You’re the one walking across the Quad without a glazed look in your eyes. I see you with your hand not raised in HUM discussion because you recognize that perhaps your comments aren’t all genius and that other people can contribute. I see you going to bed without crying yourself to sleep. There’s something I want you to know. I hate you. When I was in middle school, I was showered with compliments. “Sam, you’re so smart!” “Sam, you’re the best!” “Sam, you can do anything!” And those lies made me who I am today: an emotionally unstable underachieving piece of shit. And that’s ok. But you.…

One campus tour was turned upside-down yesterday after Scott Madden, a second-year tour guide, passed through Hull Gate and moved his group of bright-eyed high school seniors in front of the Reg. All was well as he chattered about collaborative learning and the A-level–that was, until it appeared. Madden watched in horror as a pale apparition emerged from the Reg, coughing and muttering about his thesis. “Oh geez, and to think I was gonna make the ‘where fun goes to thrive’ joke,” Madden commented. “I don’t think that any tour guide could come back from that one.” The zealous parents faces distorted as fourth year Walt Wiseman pulled a pack of Marlboro menthols from…

By Breck Radulovic Sept. 24, 2018 In a letter distributed to incoming first-years, the University of Chicago announced new penalties for students caught streaming pornography on university internet connections. The letter signed by Dean of Students John “Jay” Ellison called porn an “inappropriate use of school resources.” The letter stated that any student caught watching pornography would face harsh disciplinary proceedings in the Dean’s office. Ellison’s letter clarified which networks would constitute a breach of the new policy. “Students may not use uchicago-secure to stream illicit material and are reminded that their internet connection is associated with their UCID. Students are also prohibited from using uchicago and uchicago-guest networks to…

By Breck Radulovic May 25, 2018 The Alumni Weekend Beer Garden is a tantalizing, esoteric myth among the University of Chicago’s undergraduate student body. The garden baffles college students, who do not yet know the joy of gathering with graduated peers and drinking on the University’s dime. “What lies behind her mysterious white fence,” undergraduates wonder aloud as they walk between the Harper and Regenstein libraries. “What is it like to feel such joy,” they ask. But this year, two adventurers decided to inquire into the depths of the Alumni Beer Garden. Donning naught but a second-hand trench coat, the two second years gathered their best fake ID and gave…

By Breck Radulovic May 5, 2018 Bartlett Dining Commons The University of Chicago failed an April 16 mental health inspection because of insufficient mental health resources, unsatisfactory support for those in need, and actively hostile policies toward students struggling with mental health, according to a report posted last Friday on EveryBlock Chicago. The University was found to be at “high risk” by the City of Chicago’s Department of Mental Health Protection Program after an initial inspection found evidence of Title IX failures, poor mental health services across the campus, and a demanding work environment that leaves many students physically and financially drained. According to the report, the inspector observed over 20 droppings in the University Student…

By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2018 The Joesph Regenstein Library There are but few moments in life that will truly bring joy to the tortured human soul. Among them are winning a Nobel Peace Prize, curing cancer, or eating the last of your roommate’s ice cream and blaming it on his boyfriend. Although these moments are rare, they allow us a small glimpse of true happiness in the face of our bleak realities. But without sadness, we would not have pleasure. Imagine leaving the Reg at 5:37 pm, Thursday of Finals Week. You’ve turned in your last paper three and a half hours before the deadline. The air is unseasonably…