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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Kelly Lo

R.E Stern

Managing Editor

Kate Kaplin

Deputy Managing Editor

Andre Dang

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Copy Editors

Jacob Halabe

Maisie Thompson

Merrin Seegers

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

  • Campus Life

    UChicago Introduces 4:30 AM Final Exams, Citing Cost-Saving

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 8, 2023

    A follow-up announcement clarified that students would be expected to move out within one hour of their last final to avoid a $5000 fine and a one-point deduction to their GPA. 

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  • Campus Life

    Meet Frank, UChicago’s First International Student from Vatican City

    R.E. Stern and 1 more / March 6, 2023

    Frank, dressed in all white and sporting a delightfully eccentric hat, reports being “born” in 2003 but “doesn’t feel a day over 60.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    So You Have a Big Dick? Here Are 6 Better Ways to Prove It Than Going to a Gun Range With the College Republicans

    Nico Aldape / March 2, 2023

    Major in Biz Econ: What better way to prove your one-eyed trouser snake is well above average than by playing with coloring books all day?

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  • Campus Life

    What Your Favorite Coffee Shop Says About You

    Lena Birkholz / March 2, 2023

    Hallowed: Your last date looked like the girl from Jean-Luc Godard’s Breathless.

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  • Campus Life

    New Humanities Core Sequence for STEM Majors Will Teach Punctuation

    Aman Majumdar / February 25, 2023

    “I have good words! Humanities bad!” protested Pat Greeneberg, a Bio major.

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  • Campus Life

    International House Students Steal Thousands of Maroon Dollars from University Dining

    Evan Avery / February 23, 2023

    Our sources have already received rumors of an underground Maroon Dollar trading poker ring operating under the Regenstein Library…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Course Catalog Includes New Devil’s Advocate Class

    Justin Bachner / February 22, 2023

    Typical texts include some combination of Shapiro, Davis, Reich, and Owens."

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  • Campus Life

    Why Unions Are Bad Actually (Not Sponsored by University of Chicago)

    Paul A. Realperson / February 17, 2023

    Unions are the only group which can negotiate for you: if you’re represented by a union, you’ll only have negotiating power as a collective rather than a super cool, maverick, lone wolf individual…

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  • Campus Life

    Top Twenty Things on Other People’s Laptops You Can Pay Attention to Instead of Your Bio Topics Lecture

    Lena Birkholz / February 16, 2023

    Youtube fan edit for the 90s classic Y Tu Mama Tambien.

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  • Campus Life

    Heartbreaking! DU Invested Entire Fund Into FTX

    Andre Dang and 1 more / February 14, 2023

    Reports show DU members begging for Maroon Dollars outside the Reg to repay their debt, although no member responded to our request for comment.

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Wow! First-Year in SOSC Sure Knows a Lot about Hunter Biden’s Laptop
  • University to Open “Dumb Museum” in Interest of Hearing Both Sides
  • Econ Department Scraps Plans to Include ‘Compassion’ Requirement in Business Track
  • Landmark Study Finds You Responsible for 80% of Global Carbon Emissions
  • Obama to Appear in Kent 107 for Guest Organic Chemistry Lecture
  • Third-Year Admitted to Prestigious No-Fly List
  • Candace Owens Spotted Outside Reg Begging for Male Validation
  • UChicago Reluctantly Agrees to Stop Holding Arson Classes
  • “How Much Worse Could It Get?” Baker and Cathey Dining Commons to Close
  • Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad

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