As winter quarter begins and your courses kick into high gear, it's once again time to face the fact that at some point between now and finals, you’ll inevitably break down. But can you really risk an existential crisis during finals week? Here are five ways to get this quarter’s mental breakdown out of your way before the shit hits the fan.

Due to COVID-19 restrictions, this has been a difficult time for first years to make friends. Social gatherings and many activities usually seen as a way to establish connections have either been cancelled or turned into a virtual event. These challenging circumstances make it commendable to create relationships in this unusual school year. In honor of this, I have taken it upon myself to showcase the beauty of friendship by creating a definitive ranking of all the friends I have made.

In recent news, the life (of the mind) at the University of Chicago has been brought to a startling halt after rumors began circulating that Administration forwent accepting ACTUAL students for the class of 2024 in favor of trained, underpaid actors. While this may seem outrageous, anyone who has actually seen the way freshmen are acting on campus right now will tell you that their behavior is highly incongruent with what is expected from  a typical UChicago admit. For one thing, there has been a significant decline in crying sounds and general sounds of misery in and around campus hot spots. This could hypothetically be attributed to COVID and social…

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest number, 87381. 

The Chicago Thinker thinks their writers do the best thinking out of anyone. Today we pay homage to The Chicago Thinker and its team of Thinkers™, by honouring some of their influences -- the greatest Chicago thinkers to ever have existed.

Gracie, a prospective classics major, had accidentally gotten her copy of Dante’s “Divine Comedy” mixed up with the 666-page New Member Education booklet distributed to the girls the week before.

In an unwelcome addition to an already stressful week of exams and papers, beloved UChicago mascot Phil the Phoenix is reported to have recently eaten a child.

Following years of racism and discrimination, this UChicago sorority is shaking things up. In their most recent grab for respectability, Kappa Alpha Theta has decided on a bold new direction for their sisterhood: worship to the Great God Cthuhlu.

In a shocking turn of events, Carl Shelton, Zoom host of his chemistry study group’s meeting this week, has become inexorably drunk with power.