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UChicago Launches Skincare MLM to Make Up $239 Million Budget Deficit
Is the Chicago wind drying your skin? Could your pores get any larger? Are you plagued by stress breakouts because this school has no idea what a manageable workload is? Worry no more,…
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In New Cost-Saving Measure, UChicago Cuts Heat, Plumbing to Cobb
“We’ve resorted to digging pit bathrooms behind the counter,” Andi Brown, a barista at Cobb Café, reported, “It doesn’t smell because the cold has halted the decomposition process, so that’s neat.”
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Non-Stem Majors Cheat in Weird Moon Class
Naturally, some acts of dishonesty were more reprehensible than others. One anonymous third-year who majors in East Asian Languages and Culture and lives in Room 312 in Flint house in Max P stated,…
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Op-Ed From Dean Hale: UChicago Launches Study Abroad Program in I-House
Since the undergraduate student body clearly seems to be lacking cultural refinement, I have decided to extend your Core Curriculum requirements by adding a mandatory quarter abroad. It is therefore my great pleasure…
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Student Dressed as “Fun” Found Dead Inside Reg B Level
Students were shocked to see paramedics so late on Halloween as the ambulance arrived at the Regenstein library at 11am. Students skipping their 8 and 9:30 am classes interrupted their cognitive haze to…
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House Misses Apple Season, Forced to Go Rutabaga Picking
As the RA Bob McSchmob explained in his introductory email, this is “the Disneyland of Rutabaga picking in Wisconsin! We’ve got Alta-Sweet, Improved Long Island, and even some Granny Jones Rutabagas! Even though…
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UChicago Login Systems Switch From Duo to Trio
First year Micah Powell called the changes “ridiculous.” “There’s no reason the login needs to be this difficult. I went to the tech help desk at the Reg and they told me to…
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First-Year Enchanted by Dead Gazes of Grad Students in Lab
First-year biology major Ann Bitious was delighted to find that the graduate students in the lab she joined as an undergraduate research assistant possessed the dead gazes and exhausted slumps she had hoped…
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Student Wellness Reports 700% Increase in Gout
"Frankly, this development is extremely disheartening," added Dr. Catherine Lippitz. "It was only a few months ago that we emerged from our battle with croup that claimed two to three hundred students' lives,…
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Op-Ed: I Was Let Down By UChicago’s Frivolous Academic Attitude
Last night, I went to Fiji, took five shots, stumbled onto the dance floor, tied my feet to a length of rope, and bungee-jumped down the side of the building. Suffice to say,…