I see you. You’re the one walking across the Quad without a glazed look in your eyes. I see you with your hand not raised in HUM discussion because you recognize that perhaps your comments aren’t all genius and that other people can contribute. I see you going to bed without crying yourself to sleep. There’s something I want you to know. I hate you. When I was in middle school, I was showered with compliments. “Sam, you’re so smart!” “Sam, you’re the best!” “Sam, you can do anything!” And those lies made me who I am today: an emotionally unstable underachieving piece of shit. And that’s ok. But you.…

One campus tour was turned upside-down yesterday after Scott Madden, a second-year tour guide, passed through Hull Gate and moved his group of bright-eyed high school seniors in front of the Reg. All was well as he chattered about collaborative learning and the A-level–that was, until it appeared. Madden watched in horror as a pale apparition emerged from the Reg, coughing and muttering about his thesis. “Oh geez, and to think I was gonna make the ‘where fun goes to thrive’ joke,” Madden commented. “I don’t think that any tour guide could come back from that one.” The zealous parents faces distorted as fourth year Walt Wiseman pulled a pack of Marlboro menthols from…

By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2018 The Joesph Regenstein Library There are but few moments in life that will truly bring joy to the tortured human soul. Among them are winning a Nobel Peace Prize, curing cancer, or eating the last of your roommate’s ice cream and blaming it on his boyfriend. Although these moments are rare, they allow us a small glimpse of true happiness in the face of our bleak realities. But without sadness, we would not have pleasure. Imagine leaving the Reg at 5:37 pm, Thursday of Finals Week. You’ve turned in your last paper three and a half hours before the deadline. The air is unseasonably…

By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2018 4th Meal’s Latest Surprise Last Thursday’s Fourth Meal featured a very special menu item. We know what you’re thinking, but this time it wasn’t mozzarella sticks! To celebrate the arrival of spring, Bon Appetit said “bon appétit” to the famous Botany Pond ducklings. Supplies were limited and the ducklings ran out fast. But the early bird catches the worm, as they say. Those lucky enough to stop by the Comfort Station before 9:30 on Thursday were treated to tender, batter-fried baby ducks and an artisanal chipotle aioli. The ducklings are practically a UChicago institution. Fuzzy, cute, and utterly defenseless, the arrival of the little…

  By Breck Radulovic and Dan Lastres Oct. 20, 2017 After years of successfully stymying grad students’ efforts to unionize, the administration was dealt a shocking defeat. Graduate students at the University of Chicago voted 1103 to 479 to unionize, and while GSU is celebrating a big win, administrators are wisely admonishing them for “taking this whole free speech thing too far.” In an email sent to graduate students following Thursday’s vote tally, President Robert Zimmar and Provost Daniel Diermeier condemned grad students for their “gross over-application of the school’s steadfast and unassailable commitment to free speech.” “It verges on perversion,” the email continues, “Our free speech policy is supposed…

  By Breck Radulovic Aug. 28, 2017 When it comes to grading, it’s no secret that professors can be cruel, arbitrary, and entirely motivated by lust for their young, nubile students. So, how’s the modern American woman to maintain both her GPA and her modesty? Read this brief guide on appropriate office hours dressing to get the A, the D, and alll-together fucked. If you are going to office hours to beg for a C+ in SOSC, you’re obviously not good with words. Let your outfit do the talking for you. Here are some basic guidelines: yoga pants, while suggestive, distracting, and down-right coquettish, are too informal for a meeting…