-
“Shut the Door on Your Ex” and Other Advice From Door Etiquette for Dummies
The TA who gave you a bad grade last quarter: blockade the doorway and take a nap so they can’t get through.
-
University Introduces Mandatory ‘Cool’ Nicknames for Places on Campus
By our calculations, the average UChicago student wastes three hours every day speaking out the names of various campus buildings in monotonous compliance.
-
Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself
Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that he went to…
-
Top 5 Things That I Just Found in Your Backpack
Ever since I “stole” your “backpack” from “Calc 152” it’s been alllllll you’ve been wanting to talk about.
-
Student Walks to Class with Unshakeable Gaze and Steely Resolve
Onlookers observed as Rushmore tripped several other students, reportedly shouting, “I’m a very smart UChicago student. I need to get to class.”
-
University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”
This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.
-
Dealer Investigates: The Many Crimes of “Dean Boyer”
Our anonymous agent in the FBI (hey Jack!) reports that “Lee Harvey Oswald” was really a pseudonym for “Dean Boyer” all along.
-
Thief Returns Android User’s Phone
Upon seeing that the student had an Android, however, the thief immediately returned all the student’s possessions.
-
Moses! Danny DeVito! Your Dad! What Are the Chances That These Iconic Men Will Get Into Fiji This Saturday Night?
Sanderson is to frat bros what Moses was to the Israelites. However, he’s not entering without first engaging the bouncer in a discussion on why taxation is socialism.
-
Seven UChicago Changes to Be Aware of Despite Their Lack of Importance
In a surprise move, the Registrar’s office has announced that they will be adding two new zeros to the ends of all course IDs, effective starting winter quarter.
