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Meet the Local Cow Named Least Likely to Burn Down City
When reached for comment, O’Leary stated that she was “mighty proud of Betsy” and, now that the cow was newly certified not to be fire-prone, would reward her with a toasty gas lamp…
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Man Shouts Fire in Crowded Library of Alexandria
Last Thursday, shortly after the sundial struck VIII, a fire reportedly broke out in the geometry section of the Library of Alexandria, where a crowd had gathered to watch famed geometer Eratosthenes Pedantos’…
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Jackass Runs 26.2 Miles, Demands Medal
After running this distance and relaying his message, that narcissist Pheidippides reportedly demanded a medallion of pure gold, eyewitnesses reported.
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Meet UChicago’s First-Ever Econ Major/Econ Minor
“Employers want marketable skills that they apparently don’t think are taught in our regular econ classes. Like critical thinking.”
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Summer Breeze Headliner Revealed to be Jazz Harmonica Legend Artie “Fingy-Wingy” Malone
Major Activities Board President Joan Kindlewood discussed the deliberations which led to selecting this controversial headliner, “We were almost all settled on SZA, but Artie held our treasurer at knife-point.”
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Powerful! New USG Administration to Spend 130% of Budget on Feeding Self Dinner
“We really deserve this. We work hard. Only $160,000 mysteriously vanished from our budget last year. That’s a new record low!”
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Senator Asks TikTok CEO How to Do Renegade Dance
“How should I move my elbows? Like this?” inquired Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas).
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“I’m Such A Klepto,” Says White Girl Stealing Banana From Baker
“I can’t even, guys. This morning, I turned my stove all the way up. I’m such a pyro, you guys.”
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Report: Wrong Person Shirtless at Point
"He did it all in one go, and only with one hand. It was so smooth, it almost made up for the sweat stains."
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Writing Tutor Too Uncomfortable to Kick Out Couple Making Out in Cubicle
“Look, I just fix their writing,” she said, “I’m not qualified to intervene here. Plus, they made it clear I wasn’t invited.”
