-
Tired of Seeing His Ads, Mark Zuckerberg Blocks Bloomberg from Facebook Feed
Mark Zuckerberg is just like us! After years of speculation, we finally have substantive proof that he is not a robot sent from Mars to kill us all. He is, in fact, human:…
-
With University Moving Online, Dealer To Publish Issues Via Fax
CHICAGO, IL – Representatives for the Shady Dealer announced today that, despite the University of Chicago’s move towards online classes, the paper would keep publishing, albeit in a different format. Effective immediately, new…
-
Longstanding UChicago Tradition Datamatch Returns for Its Second Year
“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch!” That’s right, folks, it’s that time again: your favorite event of Winter Quarter, nay, the year, is back! Datamatch,…
-
University Reaffirms Stance on Campus Regulations
Following recent University correspondence with the undergraduate community at the University of Chicago regarding campus policies on legalized marijuana in the state of Illinois, University Administration has doubled down by publishing a list…
-
Letter from the Editors
To our dozens of readers, both old and new, Welcome, we’re glad to have you. Ernest Hemingway once said “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter…
-
A Look at the Class of 2023
First years, welcome to UChicago! We can’t wait to have you and hope that the next four to six years of your life will be as enlightening and exciting as ours have been.…
-
PSA: PEE AFTER SEX
The start of college is a wonderful time of exploration and growth. For many, it’s their first time to let loose. If you go here, you certainly didn’t get invited to parties in…
-
Op-Ed: Scabs Bother Me
Scabs bother me. I’m fine with nerds having fun in an overindulgent nerdfest. What really bothers me is the amount of importance some students put on not recognizing graduate student labor. People pretend…
-
UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily…
-
At Long Last: University Announces 36,000 Square Foot Wingers to Replace Treasure Island
Per a report released earlier today, the University’s Office for Community Engagement announced that the former Treasure Island location will become the new Wingers location. Wingers, the much-beloved diner specializing in American cuisine,…
