Trump Vows War to Last No More than 6 Weeks/5 Minutes/17 Years
WASHINGTON—Responding to critics who fear there’s no end in sight to the war in Iran, President Trump on Tuesday assured the American people that military operations will last no longer than six weeks, five minutes, or seventeen years.
“This is gonna be over so fast, you’re not even gonna believe it,” Trump told a gaggle of reporters. “This is gonna be—look, in six weeks, this is gonna be done. History. OK? It’s not even gonna be something you’ll remember. Believe me. OK? In five minutes, it’ll be over. Literally, five minutes from now the war will be over.”
Pressed again on whether it was realistic to suppose that the war would be over in a mere five minutes, the president struck a defiant tone, saying, “What a nasty question. What a nasty question, OK? It’s realistic. It’s as realistic as—the war is already over. It ended three weeks ago. It ended before it even began. It ended in 642 AD, which by the way means After Christ. Why is it a D? Nobody knows. In 642, 42, folks, when the Sasanians—they fell to the Rashidun Caliphate in the Battle of Nahavand. The war will end on the Fourth of July. It will end in seventeen years”
When asked to comment on the president’s timetable, Secretary of Defense and/or War Pete Hegseth told the Dealer, “Huhh. Where—[hiccough]—where am I? Where did I…shittttttt I need a goddamn drink. Where’d my—where’d my—goddamm it son of a bitch I need some vodka. Goddamn son of a bitch. Goddamn.”
The war in Iran has thrown the global economy into chaos and sent gas prices soaring. It has also killed thousands of Iranians probably, but they live very far away and aren’t Americans. So it probably isn’t very important.
Griffin is co-editor-in-chief for this paper, and was born early in the morning.
