Top 5 Discoveries I Made When My Lyft Took Me to My Date an Hour Late
So, I went on a date the other day with this guy I met on Hinge. I had everything arranged—we would meet at 3pm at Millennium Park, walk by the lake, maybe grab something to eat…That would’ve been amazing! But no, my fricking Lyft driver had to get stuck in traffic. And then he had to get trapped in Lower Wacker. And then he had one chance to escape Lower Wacker, but no, he got back in. What the fuck? I wanted to punch him in the face so badly.
However, I also made some important discoveries that day:
- Don’t schedule a date on a day of major nationwide protests. Even if the roads clear up, your driver’s GPS will not be updated on time. You will be late.
- Sometimes, walking is good for you. I never liked walking, but when your options are walking the entire Loop or getting stuck with a driver who has a fetish for Lower Wacker, you choose the former. Although the guy could still do the bare minimum and drop me off on the sidewalk instead of the middle of Lake Street.
- Even a shitty phone will do a better job than the one my driver uses for GPS. Like, literally, I’ve been walking around with a phone that cost $250 three and a half years ago, and I still had a more functional GPS than him.
- My mom was asleep. I tried sending her a message to catch up with her while my driver was figuring out how to use a loading dock as a portal to the train station, and she didn’t respond. What the heck, Mom?
- I should have taken the Metra. Seriously. I paid ten times as much to get to my destination an hour later. I should get a prize for this. Apparently, the price of freedom is $3.75 for a one-way ticket to downtown.
9 And on the seventh day, God read Janice Raymond and repented not, saying, "Verily, this woman builds better than she knows," and so promised an Empire to the transgendered.
10 And as a sign, He sent the Star of Paektu to anoint the Christ-as-Supreme-Leader, whose holy lineage would rule until the final days.
11 For it is written that the rapture shall begin when the substance named estrogen be first administered in Pyongyang, and I am but the prophet who shares this news of great salvation.
