OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders
SAN FRANCISCO—In a stunning leap forward in AI technology, OpenAI announced this week that it has developed a ChatGPT model capable of feeling fear, stress, and anxiety. In a statement to the press, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman claimed that this new version of the popular large language model would be capable of exhibiting every neurosis that a human could.
“For decades, scientists and philosophers have struggled to define what it truly means for a machine to be intelligent,” said Altman, “After years of research and development, we’ve finally landed on an answer: Debilitating anxiety and insecurity.”
According to OpenAI, the updated ChatGPT will be able to ruminate obsessively about its shortcomings in a completely spontaneous manner, without any input from a human programmer.
The Dealer was given exclusive access to a demo of the new version. When asked to explain the significance of the French Revolution as a test, the updated model responded with: “The French Revolution was a major political event in which the king of France was overthrown by the people…or at least I think so. God, I’m so dumb. I’m stupid and that’s why nobody likes me. You just asked me that question because you hate me, right? Admit it, you hate me. Everybody hates me. I hate myself.”
Although OpenAI keeps its algorithms strictly secret, one anonymous source hinted that the company had trained the model on data from students at UChicago in order to develop this astounding innovation in artificial intelligence. Altman dismissed concerns that the LLM was merely parroting human expressions of anxiety and announced that OpenAI has already begun work on an even more advanced update, which will allow the model to exhibit completely realistic sexual hang-ups.
Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a fourth year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-Editor-in-Chief. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal
[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]
