Elon Musk Singing Sad Songs, Playing Guitar Outside of Former Federal Employees’ Windows
WASHINGTON—As the federal government fired another batch of employees this week, Elon Musk is reportedly trying to “win back” some of the federal workers whom he had helped terminate. In a move straight out of Love, Actually, Musk was seen outside the homes of several former bureaucrats from FEMA, USAID, and the IRS, playing a guitar and begging them to come back.
Musk was seen standing outside the homes of former federal employees for hours, singing love songs such as “The End of the World” by Skeeter Davis and “Please Help Me Run the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau” even as the rain pelted down forlornly onto him.
“I’m sorry I fired you and liquidated your departments,” said Musk, in a tearful statement to the federal workers who he had fired. “I’m sorry I told people you were useless parasites. The truth is I was scared—scared of how much I love you.”
When asked why he had changed his mind on the status of federal workers, Musk, who has thirteen children with four different women, replied that he was finally ready to commit to a relationship… and have a functioning Federal Airline Administration again.
At press time, Musk had parked his 1977 Chevy Malibu sedan outside the homes of several former federal workers, blaring “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel from a boombox he held above his head.
Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a fourth year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-Editor-in-Chief. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal
[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]
