November 3rd, 2020 has been a historic day for many reasons, not least because of a historic break with conventional election wisdom. For the first time since 1976, Texas has voted blue.
A Pew Research Poll conducted this week found that 52% of Texans now consider “Cool Blue” their favorite Gatorade flavor, up from only 43% in 2016. This represents a dramatic shift from previous elections, in which the clear favorite has generally been “Fruit Punch.”
“Cool Blue” fans across the state and country have spent the day celebrating. “It’s exciting to see such a delicious flavor finally get some real traction in Texas,” said Sarah Chao (D-CT). “It’s a true testament to the power of getting out the vote.” Many young Texans were particularly fond of “Cool Blue,” citing nostalgic memories of the beverage from their childhoods. “It really brings me back to middle school. Man, those were good times–before I had crippling student loans to worry about,” reminisced one 20-something-year-old on his sixth hour of standing in line. “The nurse’s office always gave out ‘Cool Blue’ Gatorade too.”
Still, the opinion is far from unanimous. Across the Lone Star State, die-hard “Fruit Punch” fans could be seen pouring the sports drink onto voters’ phones and computers, in an effort to suppress their votes. “I’m ‘Fruit Punch’ till I die!” one heavily-armed man shouted at Shady Dealer reporters in Dallas. “It runs through my veins instead of blood!”
Evangelical Christians were also aggressive about their distaste for “Cool Blue”: “It’s unnatural!” complained megachurch pastor Joel Graham. “Nowhere in the bible does Christ drink ‘Cool Blue;’ it’s a creation of Satanic scientists sent by God to test us.” Members of Graham’s Church of the Rehydrator protested against these “evil” flavors of Gatorade at a rally in Austin last week, chanting, “It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and ‘Cool Blue!’”
Supporters of “Blue Cherry” were split on “Cool Blue.” Some refused to vote for a flavor they viewed as not blue enough. “If it doesn’t permanently stain my lips and tongue, I won’t drink it,” wrote @catgirlstalin on Twitter, adding “If you drink ‘Cool Blue,’ you may as well be drinking ‘Fruit Punch’ for all I care.” Other so-called “Cherry Chums” were less rigid. Pete W, one such individual, explained: “In the end, it’s going to be either ‘Cool Blue’ or ‘Fruit Punch,’ and honestly I just prefer ‘Cool Blue.’ It’s just a shame there’s no other way to do voting–if only there were some way people could rank the candidates in order of preference. Ah, well. I guess it’s just not possible.”
While votes were generally split between “Cool Blue” and “Fruit Punch,” a laughable 1% of responders listed Jo Jorgensen as their favorite flavor.