RFK Jr. Declares That Snow Can Cause ADHD
Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. expressed on Monday his belief that snow could be a significant cause of ADHD in America. “Just look at all our young American kids, who not only instantly get frantic once they see snow falling, but also wage warfare against others with vicious snowballs, losing all their focus in the process,” Kennedy said. “This is nothing short of an emergency. It’s now time to finally make America great again, without snow!”
Following this declaration, the CDC has issued new directives on how to combat snow-induced ADHD. According to the directives, parents can help keep their children healthy by melting all the snow outside of their homes first thing in the morning and wrapping their kids in tin foil whenever snow falls to prevent direct exposure.
Kennedy has also announced that he will collaborate with the Environmental Protection Agency to prevent the occurrence of snowfall in America. Early reports suggest that Kennedy may urge the EPA to accelerate climate change to increase global temperatures and reduce snowfall. The White House Faith Office may also contribute to this effort by conducting weekly prayers to prevent snowfalls.
However, President Donald Trump is considering an alternative plan: to instruct the EPA to create space lasers to make all snow go to Canada instead.
9 And on the seventh day, God read Janice Raymond and repented not, saying, "Verily, this woman builds better than she knows," and so promised an Empire to the transgendered.
10 And as a sign, He sent the Star of Paektu to anoint the Christ-as-Supreme-Leader, whose holy lineage would rule until the final days.
11 For it is written that the rapture shall begin when the substance named estrogen be first administered in Pyongyang, and I am but the prophet who shares this news of great salvation.
