Creative Writing Department Announces New Specialization in Shitty New Adult Novels
This Monday, the Creative Writing department announced an exciting new addition to their range of specializations: shitty new adult novels! Formulated specially for the changing interests of the younger generations, the University is confident it will cement its alums as the leading producers of hot-garbage-books.
With the rise of “booktok” and “bookstagram,” program director John Wilkinson has stated that “the department needs to get with the times and embrace the burgeoning literary movement of compiling the worst tropes you’ve ever seen into something vaguely resembling a book.” When pushed for further comment,Wilkinson admitted that the specialization was only added after the department “found out the truly sickening profit margins you can get writing this shit.” It seems that even faculty at UChicago have given in to the allure of selling glorified trauma porn disguised as books. Wilkinson frantically qualified that the new curriculum books can’t be porn because the University Bookstore already has a section of them, so they “must be legit.” When informed that those books are definitely still porn, he became despondent at the trajectory of his career and we had to cut the interview short.
Required classes include: ‘the half-bed trope: even better than one bed!’, ‘consent and how to circumvent it’, ‘why write characters when you can sculpt a red flag out of clay and pray to the gods to bring it to life’, and ‘the delicate art of cramming all your nonsensical world-building into the first and last twenty pages.’ Professor Maggie Brown gave us this advice for aspiring writers curious about the sorts of tools learned in the new specialization: “If you’re struggling to build an intricate world with plausible characters, you’re already doing it wrong. Scrap all that, create an unnecessarily violent Hogwarts rip-off, give your main character the personality of wet cardboard, and don’t even bother developing anyone else. Are they somehow the blandest yet most irritating person you’ve ever met with no skills or interpersonal intelligence? No matter, they’re special, you see, and everyone treats them like they’re the center of the fucking universe because they have odd colored eyes or some shit.”
We asked the first student to declare the specialization, second-year Nyx Nightshade, why she picked it: “I just really admire all the lonely 20-somethings who’ve made a living by leveraging really problematic concepts into hype for a book that glorifies all of them.” She added that she’s most excited to learn the careful balance of growling and dubious physical contact required to make an MMC (Male Main Character) compelling. And it’s all packaged with a cover that looks like an AI got a smoothie dumped on it before vomiting a randomized amalgamation of tiny brunette girls, an absolute gigachad, metallic snakes, skulls, and some kind of weapon. Does it make any sense in the context of the story? We have no idea, and even after you’ve read it, neither will you. What’s not to love?
