Op-Ed: Please Wear Deodorant

These days, it seems like you can’t walk into the store and go straight into the deodorant aisle without a good hounding from Tom’s, Secret, and Dove. Listen, I am of the school that believes a whiff of the armpit should singe the nostrils. That being said, the tears that accompany said singe-ing should be tears of utter joy not of utter disgust. Next week, if I put my nose directly into your armpit and it doesn’t smell like Province you’re gonna wish you had put on deodorant. Get it?! Capisce? Verstehen Sie?

As a seasoned deodorizer, I have included some things you need to know and consider when cornering the deodorant market. Please read them. Please buy deodorant. Please put deodorant on. 

Do you have skin?

If you do not have skin, choose a deodorant labeled “for people without skin.” If you do have skin, choose one labeled “for boring people with skin.”

Can you apply deodorant directly to your cornea? 

As fun as that sounds, it’s not fun in practice. Also, your armpits get offended if you apply deodorant anywhere on the body that’s not them. Don’t mess around with this. Armpits are known for their vengeful spirit. Remember those killings a few months back? The armpits did it in cold blood, those twisted motherfuckers.

How do you apply deodorant?

Get someone to throw your deodorant tube at 100 miles per second toward your armpit. If this doesn’t kill you, you should get a pretty thorough treatment. Repeat for the other armpit.

Which brand to choose?

Well, I don’t know about you, but is there any question? Dove. Buy Dove now. A Dove Representative is currently holding me at gunpoint. Please. Help me. 

Lastly, you don’t want to enjoy your deodorant too much, as this may lead to taking liberal sniffs in public. Try to limit yourself to 12 private sniffings a day — that’s what works for me.