Shady Classifieds: Cobb Cafe
Have you ever wanted to work at the most deeply unsettling coffee shop on campus? Are you not beautiful enough to dare step foot behind the bar at Harper? Have you always dreamed of being a bridge troll, confined to the dark damp subterranean world and asking riddles of those who cross your path? Perhaps Cobb Café is your place. Many students seeking employment on campus are confused as to how they can get a coveted coffee shop job. With your useless degree and overall unemployability, why not build skills for your future career as an assistant manager at a local Caribou Coffee? Here’s how to become a “barista” at Cobb Café.
Send in Your Resumé
The first step to getting any job is to send in your resumé. Cobb Café accepts resumés on Friday the 13th, but only via pigeon messenger. Background in falconry and necromancy are preferred. Special preference is given to those proficient in backwards Latin and Romanian.
If you are granted an interview at Cobb Café, the ghost of William Rainey Harper will possess you for a brief moment. Be careful, because you could also be possessed by John D. Rockefeller as a sign of rejection. The best way to know if you have been possessed by William Rainey Harper and not John D Rockefeller is to know what to expect. For both, you will projectile vomit, speak in tongues, and your head will spin in circles. If you are possessed by Rockefeller, you will be dragged down to hell to go live with other industrialists of the time, and your head will spin clockwise, not counterclockwise. If you wake up in the middle of the quad with a wicked neckache surrounded by terrified prospies, it’s time to do the interview.
If you have passed the first two trials, you will proceed to Cobb’s interview process. You must go to the roof of Snitchcock on the night of the full moon and say “Doc Films” three times at the stroke of midnight. A white person with dreadlocks will appear before you and ask a series of questions about obscure indie bands. You must not look up from your phone while answering them. If you have passed the test, the man will ask you for an iced coffee, to which you must say, “IF YOU WANTED ICED COFFEE, YOU SHOULDA GONE TO EX LIBRIS!”
If you answer the final question with enough contempt and smugness, you will be given your hat and access to the speakers in the cafe. Now you can play Arcade Fire to your heart’s content, you weirdo. Have fun working in the coffee shop equivalent of the word “greasy” that everyone else has the decency to pretend doesn’t exist.
Director of Special Projects, 2019-20