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New Study Finds That Only 25% of Your Friends Like You
A recent study published in the Chicago Review of Sociology found that only a small fraction of your friends actually like you, with barely a fourth of your close contacts and loved ones admitting they actually enjoy your company. Study Director Dr. Susan Chang, who conducted a survey of your entire social circle, spelled out the reasons behind these low figures, saying: “It’s because of that thing you do with your lips. You know that thing you do when you’re talking where you scrunch up your lips all weird? People hate that.” She also reported several complaints from participants, whose identity remains anonymous per terms of the study, about your…
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A Dealer Investigation: The “Bar” in Bar Night is Referencing the Bar Exam, Right?
Like generational wealth or seasonal depression, Alpha Delt’s Bar Night is a long-held tradition at the University of Chicago. Most students are familiar with classic bar night practices like getting drunk and attempting not to projectile vomit on the Center for the Study of Gender and Sexuality. However, what does the “Bar” in Bar Night even signify? After months of research — and over $436 in expenditures from the vending machines in Ex-Libris — the Dealer has uncovered that the “Bar” in Bar Night is about the Bar Exam. This led the journalistic heavyweights and legal scholars behind the Shady Dealer to craft our own version of the Bar Exam.…
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Race in America: My Experience as a White Student Undercover as a Black Student Undercover as a White Student
I have done many things for the sake of journalism. I’ve gone deep undercover as a UChicago cafeteria worker, delved into the financial workings of our school’s administration, and even kayaked on the Seine. However, for this Martin Luther King Day, I undertook my most difficult journalistic mission yet. I decided to investigate one of the largest issues prevalent in our nation, an issue that a UChicago email poll rated as a “Top 5 Issue on the Student Body’s Mind.” I investigated the issue of Race in America. Now, it’s no secret that white people enjoy a certain level of status in the world. I am a privileged white man…
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How to Look Hot on a Divvy Bike
Divvy bikes are convenient – if you happen to find one that works. But sadly, some students irationally fear they’ll look “stupid” on one. We hope to remove the stigma around these blue contraptions, because convenience never needs to come at the cost of looks. Here are five tips to look like a 10 on your next Divvy ride. Seat adjustment is crucial. Make sure the seat is as high up as possible to elongate your legs and highlight your killer calves. Ride with no hands. Your less attractive peers will confirm your lifelong God complex, as they see you ride hands-free. They will throw their naked bodies towards you,…
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New Year’s Editorial
Covid is no laughing matter, which is why we haven’t been funny this past year. In every article, pitch, or tweet we wrote, we intentionally strove to remove all traces of humor — and we succeeded, beyond all expectations. We especially applaud the efforts of our masthead and writing staff’s 20-something members. Journalists and comedians are fiercely independently-minded, so we had no illusions they would follow our new editorial directive. But clearly, they all did, valiantly so. We are incredibly proud that none of their submissions, not even a single headline pitched at our weekly meetings, tried to undermine this institutional mission. More importantly, we are proud they all had…
The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago
