Chicago Shady Dealer

New Study Finds That Only 25% of Your Friends Like You

A recent study published in the Chicago Review of Sociology found that only a small fraction of your friends actually like you, with barely a fourth of your close contacts and loved ones admitting they actually enjoy your company.

Study Director Dr. Susan Chang, who conducted a survey of your entire social circle, spelled out the reasons behind these low figures, saying: “It’s because of that thing you do with your lips. You know that thing you do when you’re talking where you scrunch up your lips all weird? People hate that.”

She also reported several complaints from participants, whose identity remains anonymous per terms of the study, about your odor.

The study further revealed that 75% of your friends actually don’t want to hang out with you but are motivated to do so because they feel bad for you. “It’s actually more than 75%,” acknowledged Chang. “We had to lower the numbers a bit, because we feel bad for you too.”

Along with these findings, the researchers discovered several interesting statistics about your personal life. All (100%) of your former romantic partners have gone on to meet people who are more attractive and self-confident than you are. “There is a strong correlation between your exes finding new partners and a vast – really, incalculable – improvements in their sex lives. However, we have yet to determine whether a causal relationship exists between the two,” Chang wrote in the peer-reviewed study.

At the time of publication, all of your friends and loved ones (exes included) were seen in Instagram photos hanging out without you. Having all formally met as participants of the study, they immediately connected over their shared dislike and pity towards you. Researchers have begun a preliminary study to see if your utter lack of positive qualities could help form strong bonds amongst those who have to put up with you.