Holsman and Lynch Sumer Finance Internship (Paid) – posted 2 days ago
Have you always wanted to do something charitable to benefit society? Have you dreamed of entering the nonprofit sector to use your skills for good? Me fucking neither. This is finance, BABY! If you’re interested in making the world better for a handful of people and exponentially worse for pretty much everyone else, this might be the job for you! Join the nation’s foremost team of lowlifes, slimeballs, and future republican senators. Here at Holsman and Lynch, we do God knows what and make fat stacks of cash doing it. That should be enough for you because it’s sure as hell enough for us. Are you looking for high-powered connections across the globe? We serve rich people in the United States, Turks and Caicos, the Cayman Islands, Siberia, and international waters outside of Hong Kong. At Holsman and Lynch, you will have the ability to network with a diverse group of people, only a few of whom went to public schools.
This isn’t your average internship, it’s so much worse. This program will allow you to work with senior board members including our very own CEO, Genneth C. Kriffin, and grow to really fucking hate them! I could tell you that you will analyze and anticipate emerging market trends with your little Gen Z mind to build profit for our substituents, but that would be a lie. You will be performing dehumanizing, menial tasks in a suit. We would’ve hired another well-trained orangutan, but our last orangutan bit off my finger when I tried to adjust his tie. Don’t look at me like that, it’s March and you still don’t have an internship. You aren’t exactly the pick of the litter yourself.
This position offers the opportunity for upward mobility from glorified coffee runner to full-time spreadsheet bitch after graduation if you prove yourself to be obedient. You watched the Wolf of Wall Street and thought this was the path for you, but I’m here to tell you, cupcake, that Jordan Belfort is a punk bitch who got caught. Do you really want to be like that loser? No? Then come and join the winners at Holsman and Lynch. We can hold our cocaine.
REQUIREMENTS:
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GPA Under 3.0
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Questionable moral compass
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One form of fake identification
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Must be able to fail a drug test.
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Willingness to travel to the Cayman Islands 20%
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Ability to swing a baseball bat with enough force to break an adult human femur (742 pounds)
PREFERRED QUALIFICATIONS:
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Cryptocurrency experience
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Cocaine plug
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Nice tits (if you’re a chick)
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Previous experience in embezzlement
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Firearm ownership
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Run a mile in a suit in under 7 minutes
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Ability to fit 3oz of 24 karat gold into butthole (lubed or unlubed)
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Sufficient proficiency in Cantonese or Russian to make threats (can be covered in orientation)
ESSENTIAL RESPONSIBILITIES
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Sign an NDA
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Read tax codes
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Make transfers on VPNs via Western Union and cryptocurrency
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Predict market trends
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Make demands and threats
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Make sure I have at least 12oz of coffee on my desk at all times
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24/7 Elon watch to be sure he doesn’t Gamestop us again
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Make me spreadsheets
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Answer phone calls and say I’m busy
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Network with Heckle Bribe senators
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Take briefcases to locations ON TIME
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Don’t ask questions
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(Maybe) Shred and burn documents with speed and efficiency
PAYMENT
Whatever minimum wage is in this country, 1 ounce of 24 karat gold, company Tesla, pill bowl, and Starbucks card for the duration of the internship. We will reimburse any out of pocket dental expenditures teeth lost or stolen during the internship.
TIMELINE
June 15th to September 15th. Interns can do part-time (50 hours a week) full-time (60 hours a week), or full-time plus (80 hours a week) based on interns schedule. Don’t ask for overtime because you’re not getting it you snot-nosed brat.
Send your cover letter and resume to [email protected] along with a 400 word essay on the most questionable thing you ever did for money. Apply by April 31st. Those selected for the first round of interviews will be notified on May 15th. The first interview consists of a game of Settlers of Catan because we want to see what kind of morally depraved person you are.
Drew Landrowski
Director of Special Projects, 2019-20
