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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    r/WallStreetBets to Become Newest Finance RSO

    r/todayilearned / January 28, 2021

    Hyde Park- r/wallstreetbets has been granted special RSO status by UChicago’s admin, becoming the latest finance RSO to plague the University. Special RSO status allows a group to bypass the typical RSO application…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Top 7 Things In My Room I Haven’t Made Beautiful Love To

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / January 25, 2021

    With the COVID-19 pandemic, us first-years have had a good amount of time to explore our rooms. That being said, here’s seven things in my room I haven’t made sweet, sweet love to.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    How To Get This Quarter’s Existential Crisis Over With Early

    R.E. Stern / January 21, 2021

    As winter quarter begins and your courses kick into high gear, it's once again time to face the fact that at some point between now and finals, you’ll inevitably break down. But can…

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  • Campus Life

    Ranking All the Friends I Made During Autumn Quarter

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / January 20, 2021

    Due to COVID-19 restrictions, this has been a difficult time for first years to make friends. Social gatherings and many activities usually seen as a way to establish connections have either been cancelled…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Survey: Math Department Unaware Gerald Ford No Longer President

    R.E. Stern / January 20, 2021

    A full 93% of the department’s members were unable to correctly identify the outgoing President as Donald Trump, or the incoming President as Joe Biden. In fact, a plurality of respondents (36%) listed…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Secret Experiment in the Basement of the Lab School? Aidan Gallagher Clones.

    Anna Katz / January 17, 2021

    If you, unfortunately, live in International House, as I do, you have become familiar with the constant onslaught of construction workers descending into the basement of the Lab School (our benevolent neighbors) through…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Victoria’s Secret Remains Supportive despite COVID-19 Regulations

    Nell Rydzewski / January 13, 2021

    While these times may be challenging, they have also undeniably managed to bring out society at its most innovative, its most compassionate, and its most daring. And though it needs no elaboration, it…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Prep for Civil War

    Rod and Tom Ato / January 6, 2021

    The events today in our nation’s capitol have no doubt left many of us worried about the stability of our country, with some even uttering the possibility of a civil war on the…

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  • 8=Democracy

    The Dealer’s Georgia Runoff Election Forecasts

    R.E. Stern / January 1, 2021

    Today, the Dealer is proud to release our official county-by-county interactive forecasts of the 2021 Georgia runoff elections for the U.S. Senate. This makes us one of the only data journalism sites willing…

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Read It and Weep

  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks

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