Hyde Park- r/wallstreetbets has been granted special RSO status by UChicago’s admin, becoming the latest finance RSO to plague the University. Special RSO status allows a group to bypass the typical RSO application process because they can — and because they make money. Our sources tell us that Dean Boyer headed the initiative, seemingly ecstatic that the GameStop (GME) stocks he had purchased for his grandchild’s birthday had risen to such heights, as a result of the Redditors’ efforts. The University plans to announce the incorporation of this Reddit thread as an RSO later this week in a press release stating: “STONKS, STONKS, AND STONKS. 🚀🚀🚀🤑🤑🤑” Admission to the r/WallStreetBets…

A full 93% of the department’s members were unable to correctly identify the outgoing President as Donald Trump, or the incoming President as Joe Biden. In fact, a plurality of respondents (36%) listed Gerald Ford as the nation’s leader, with George H.W. Bush (21%), Dwight D. Eisenhower (18%), and Robert Zimmer (9%) following closely thereafter.

If you, unfortunately, live in International House, as I do, you have become familiar with the constant onslaught of construction workers descending into the basement of the Lab School (our benevolent neighbors) through the grates in the schoolyard. You may have even befriended one of them, while they waited for their shift in the hole to begin. The traditional uniform of an orange vest and a low-hanging hard hat may now even be a comfort, a sign that the University of Chicago remembers we exist. But what if I told you that the work they are doing is much more nefarious than electrical engineering, military bunker training for the child…

While these times may be challenging, they have also undeniably managed to bring out society at its most innovative, its most compassionate, and its most daring. And though it needs no elaboration, it should be clear that I’m referring, not to healthcare workers or front-line employees, but to the new store protocols at Victoria’s Secret. With their manicured finger on the pulse of America, the groundbreaking lingerie franchise has managed to cut through several layers of lace right to the heart of the matter and offer to the public what it needs most in these troubled times: “verbal bra fittings.” Smart. Stylish. So many other “s” words could be used…

The events today in our nation’s capitol have no doubt left many of us worried about the stability of our country, with some even uttering the possibility of a civil war on the horizon. We here at the CSD worry about our readers, so we’d like to share some tips on how to best prepare you and your loved ones. Find a comfortable, quiet area. Gather your loved ones! Stock up on your favorite food. Try to remain as quiet as possible. Make sure all equipment and machinery is in working order. Insert your copy of Captain America: Civil War into your Sony DVD player. Enjoy!