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Six Ways to Avoid Talking About Impeachment/Hong Kong/Colin Kaepernick/Harvard-Yale/Your Burgeoning Homosexuality This Thanksgiving
Don’t go home. See #1. See #2. See #5. See #4. Pretend you only understand Aramaic now.
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How to Get Enough Participation Points to Pass Thanksgiving Dinner
Thanksgiving break is upon us, but that doesn’t mean the pressure is off. Here are five great ways to ensure that your participation grade for Thanksgiving dinner is an excellent one: Ask questions and create controversy Making memorable contributions to your family Thanksgiving dinner is more important than making constructive contributions, so don’t be afraid to stir the pot a little bit! Ask the questions that will liven up your discussion: why wasn’t the turkey as good this year as it usually is? Immigrants: good or bad? At 1AM, when your family finishes arguing, nobody will remember how often you spoke, only that you asked questions that prompted a lively and…
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Thanksgiving Explained by an International Student
So first they roast a turkey, right, and then sometimes they put other birds inside the turkey and roast those too, and they call it a turduckoose or a turchicken or something. And then they get in line with all their cousins from Arkansas and wait to cut pieces out of this wobbly cranberry jello from a can, and then they cover the turkey with the jello and eat it all together. Also, you’re not supposed to season the turkey when you roast it because then the seasoning will overpower the taste of the jello. The goal is to make the turkey as dry as possible so that the jello…
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A Vague Sense of Dread Based on Your Horoscope
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) Consider that due to that projection of planet you always think is a star on to the star that you always think is the northern star but actually is not, as the angle of a perception is just slightly too small to be considered far too big. But as long as your follow these instructions you will be okay. Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) Typical Taurus you’re going to experience some taurus shit this week. Gemini (5/21 – 6/20) Congratulations! According to the weather report, if you’re a Gemini, you’re about to get a brand-new twin! The electricity in the air will cause all of your…
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UChicago Wifi Ranked #333,333,333 by US News and World Report
The University of Chicago’s wireless internet services have dropped to No. 333,333,333 in U.S. News & World Report’s 2020 ranking of university wireless internet services (colloquially called “WiFi”). The U.S. News rankings take into account connection availability, reliability rates, and a variety of other factors, with increased focus this year on criteria relating to WiFi speed in libraries. In the 2020 rankings, Princeton and Harvard Universities’ WiFi services were ranked No. 1 and 2, respectively, with Columbia, MIT, and Yale sharing the No. 3 spot. Northwestern, Duke, and Johns Hopkins finish out the schools ranked in the top 10, with Duke and Johns Hopkins tied for No. 10. U.S. News stopped factoring admissions rates…
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How to Get Your Dick out of the Revolving Door of the Reg
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had a few sleepless nights in this bad boy. And if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably gotten your dick stuck in the revolving door more times than you’d like to admit to your academic advisor when she asks what you’ve been up to this quarter. Stick around if you want to learn how to get that puppy out of the doghouse. The Capitalist’s approach: The Invisible Hand You’re a city guy and time is money. When you’re not wearing pastel colored button up shirts, you’re wearing pastel colored shorts. You’ve got to network tonight in order to fulfil your social…
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Dean Boyer Just Kinda Hanging Out at FIJI Pledge Event
Students interested in joining the UChicago chapter of Phi Delta Gamma, colloquially known as FIJI, were surprised to find John Boyer, Dean of Students for the College, sitting on a sofa in the fraternity’s house during a pledge event last Friday. Dane Phrumph, a first year from Sugarbarn, WI, reportedly recognized Boyer from a number of memes, and asked his pledge leader, fourth-year Chud Junkley IV, what the Dean was doing there. Junkley seemed confused, simply answering “Well, why wouldn’t he be here?” As the night went on and the pledges got to know the fraternity better, several pledges inquired about Boyer’s presence at the event, and none of them…
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Mayor Pete Visits IOP, Gets Mistaken for First Year
“Can I help you with something?” asks a concerned staff member as someone resembling a small but well-dressed first year opens the doors to the IOP. “Actually,” the mysterious person replies, “You can. I’d like to relocate the spirit of America and bring it back to Washington.” While annoying, this was a pretty standard response from any first-year who used to be class president, so the staff member thought nothing of it and went back to work. “Do you want to maybe, like, take a picture with me? I might be president one day, you know.” At this point, the IOP staffer was getting annoyed. She had missed her morning…
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UCPD Saves Day, Drives around Block
UCPD officers heroically drove around the block yesterday, according to multiple eyewitness statements. One witness praised when asked for comment: “Yeah, they just make me feel safe. I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. I had to walk from Max P to the Reynolds Club at 11:30 in the morning by myself yesterday, and I was pretty nervous, but I was put at ease by the six UCPD cruisers I saw on my way over. I’m just so thankful for everything they do!” This is not the first time that UCPD has driven around the block. Many students have reported increased sightings in the past few weeks,…
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