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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Six Ways to Avoid Talking About Impeachment/Hong Kong/Colin Kaepernick/Harvard-Yale/Your Burgeoning Homosexuality This Thanksgiving

    John Buterbaugh / November 30, 2019

    Don’t go home. See #1. See #2. See #5. See #4. Pretend you only understand Aramaic now.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Get Enough Participation Points to Pass Thanksgiving Dinner

    R.E. Stern and 1 more / November 29, 2019

    Thanksgiving break is upon us, but that doesn’t mean the pressure is off. Here are five great ways to ensure that your participation grade for Thanksgiving dinner is an excellent one: Ask questions…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Thanksgiving Explained by an International Student

    Anonymous / November 26, 2019

    So first they roast a turkey, right, and then sometimes they put other birds inside the turkey and roast those too, and they call it a turduckoose or a turchicken or something. And…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Vague Sense of Dread Based on Your Horoscope

    / November 24, 2019

      Aries (3/21 – 4/19) Consider that due to that projection of  planet you always think is a star on to the star that you always think is the northern star but actually…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago Wifi Ranked #333,333,333 by US News and World Report

    Deblina Mukherjee / November 23, 2019

    The University of Chicago’s wireless internet services have dropped to No. 333,333,333 in U.S. News & World Report’s 2020 ranking of university wireless internet services (colloquially called “WiFi”). The U.S. News rankings take into account connection…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Get Your Dick out of the Revolving Door of the Reg

    Randy Beans / November 14, 2019

    If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had a few sleepless nights in this bad boy. And if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably gotten your dick stuck in the revolving door more…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Boyer Just Kinda Hanging Out at FIJI Pledge Event

    Thomas Noriega / November 11, 2019

    Students interested in joining the UChicago chapter of Phi Delta Gamma, colloquially known as FIJI, were surprised to find John Boyer, Dean of Students for the College, sitting on a sofa in the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Mayor Pete Visits IOP, Gets Mistaken for First Year

    A Larger First Year / November 6, 2019

    “Can I help you with something?” asks a concerned staff member as someone resembling a small but well-dressed first year opens the doors to the IOP. “Actually,” the mysterious person replies, “You can.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UCPD Saves Day, Drives around Block

    Erin Braner / November 6, 2019

    UCPD officers heroically drove around the block yesterday, according to multiple eyewitness statements. One witness praised when asked for comment: “Yeah, they just make me feel safe. I honestly don’t know what I…

    read more

Read It and Weep

  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship

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