Admissions Allows Fraternities to Host for April Overnights
In response to rising acceptance rates, the Office of Admissions has had to search far and wide in search of new places to host prospective students. In a show of goodwill and philanthropy, the fraternities of UChicago have graciously opened their doors to the Maroons of the future, offering them a unique, vaunted perspective on student life at the University. A provisional class of prospies has been flown out to test the program and have been paired with hosts in AEPi, FIJI, and Sig Chi.
The Dealer spoke with FIJI’s prospie rep, Chud Junkley IV, about how the fraternity’s prospies were adjusting to the frat house. “They’ve had an excellent time,” Junkley reported as a naked prospie was slowly lowered headfirst from the second floor window of the frat house. “We think we’ve done our best to introduce them to another side of campus life, one where community means something, and where everyone looks out for one another.” The dangling prospie was dropped into a kiddie pool full of sriracha and Schnapps, where he was set upon by a gang of ten upperclass brothers who thrashed him with hardcover editions of Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations until he finished an entire handle of Everclear. Junkley, smiling blankly, shifted to block this reporter’s view of the scene while explaining how far this new initiative would go to demystify fraternity life and show the caring side of these oft-maligned institutions.
Upon learning that she would be enthusiastically hosted by AEPi, Sarah Rinser, 17, slowly shook her head, muttering, “No, fuck no,” as she paled. Rinser was spotted building a small tent near Cobb several hours later as she gratefully accepted an admissions offer from Princeton.
