Campus Life

Survey Reveals Frats Suck Because They’re All Scorpios

A recent survey of University of Chicago Greek life has revealed that every single fraternity brother since 1920 was born under the astrological sign of Scorpio, and is therefore a totally irredeemable trash human being.

So far, the University community has reacted with little surprise.

“Anybody who’s willing to get peed on, so THEY can pee on somebody four years later? Yeah, that’s a Scorpio,” said Bert Talleyrand, a third-year student and pee expert.

“I just wish they’d pee on me,” he said, beginning to cry.

Campus astrology expert and first-year humanities major Bathilda Trelawney was also consulted on this matter.

“Scorpios are typically secretive and distrustful,” Trelawney said, “which could explain why they don’t let me into their parties.”

She added that in large groups, she could predict both green auras and a total disrespect for crystal healing. “But don’t get me wrong,” she said. “That doesn’t stop Alpha Delt from being pretty cool.”

In light of the survey’s results, the Administration has completely changed its perspective on dealing with its fraternities.

Instead of officially disbanding them, which would only release Scorpios into the general population, the Dean Boyer has proposed a plan to stop admitting Scorpio students.

When first asked about the new plan, Dean Boyer said, “How’d you get in here?” But, after flushing, he admitted, “We’re just gonna stop admitting them. They never done us no good, so fuck ‘em.”

Boyer doubts the plan is legal, but “[t]hat never stopped us before. And besides, nothing else’ll do the trick – you can’t reform a Scorpio.”

When asked for comment on this matter, President Zimmer replied, “Astrology? Miss me with that fake shit.”



Kyle Oleksiuk

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