Scientists 99% Certain That Our Universe is Just Someone’s D&D Campaign

By Jacob Johnson

March 22, 2017

Cambridge, M.A.Following recent political developments in the political sphere, astrophysicists at MIT have re-calibrated the massive LIGO gravitational wave interferometer to detect the possible intervention of an outside universe on our own, which has yielded surprising results.

Almost immediately, the interferometer began picking up signals within the frequency of the spoken word. Though the signals were faint due tofrom being extremely far from their origin, scientists were able to discern to painstakingly refine the data into what appears to be intelligible conversation. After several months of this process, a complete transcript was produced, which appears to contain a conversation between be that of ffour participants in a tabletop role-playing game bearing numerous similarities to Gary Gygax’s Dungeons and Dragons. The transcript, as it stands, reads as follows:

Voice 1: Okay. In these next couple of years, there’s gonna be a presidential election. Now, Hillary is running against this Jewish man from Vermont, and-

Voice 2: Can I run? My character wants to run for president.

Voice 1: Donald’s class is businessman, not politician. You aren’t allowed to-

Voice 2: I took reality T.V. as a bonus feat.

Voice 1: That’s not the same as politics.

Voice 2: Really? That’s a stupid rule.

Voice 3: Come on, you’re always doing this. Just let me get this election thing done so we can move on with the campaign.

Voice 2: I want to run for president anyway.

Voice 1: Okay. Fine. Roll for diplomacy.

Voice 2: What do I have to get?

Voice 1: A twenty-five.

Voice 2: That’s impossible with my stats! Wait, do my +2 Hands of Nimble Size give me a bonus here?

Voice 1: They do not.

Voice 4: Putin is a politician. Can I assist Donald with this?

Voice 1: Yes, but there are going to be consequences. Okay, add five to whatever Donald gets.

*audible rolling of dice*

Voice 2: Natural twenty!

Voice 3: Oh my god.

Voice 1: Roll again to confirm it.

*audible rolling of dice*

Voice 2: Another twenty!

Voice 3: You have got to be kidding me.

Voice 1: Okay. Wow. Despite all odds and running against many other more-qualified candidates, Donald wins the Republican primary, but doesn’t seem to have the support for the presidency. Hillary, make a campaign check.

Voice 3: I got a lot of campaign checks.

Voice 1: No, like, with the dice. You have to roll a two or higher to beat Donald.

Voice 2: No fair! This thing is rigged.

Voice 4: Aw, man.

Voice 5: Kim Jong Un crafts 10,000 nuclear warheads.

Voice 1: Does Kim Jong Un have that much uranium in his inventory?

Voice 5: …No.

Voice 1: Then shut up and wait for your turn.

Voice 4: Wow. No fun at all.

Voice 1: This is a realistic campaign, you guys! I’m tired of everyone taking it off the rails, like last session when you guys started two world wars. Hillary, roll.

*audible rolling of dice*

Voice 3: Natural 1. Crap.

Voice 2: HA!

Voice 1: Oh, Jesus Christ. Not another critical failure. Okay, um… Hillary, that thing with your emails gets out of hand, and you somehow manage to lose the election despite winning the popular vote. Now the leader of this campaign’s free world has no skill ranks in politics, and will probably screw up everything even worse than you guys already did. Everybody make a perception of reality check to keep from losing your minds.

Voice 3: This is a load of bullshit!

Voice 1: Yep. It sure is. I had a really exciting campaign planned, where you guys were going to colonize space and stuff. You know what? Screw it. Who wants to go play Mario Kart instead?

All: WOO!

At this point, the transmission appears to cut off. Scientists are still unsure of the origin of these messages, but can conclude with 99% certainty that our universe is indeed the “campaign” of these strange beings. If more whacky, vastly-improbable events take place in the near future, we will know the Dungeon Master and the players are to blame.