Chicago Shady Dealer

Halloween Costumes: Least to Most Fuckable

On a scale from 1 to take off those cat ears and jump into bed, how fuckable is your Halloween costume?

Fairy Princess: Did you really think that your Prince Charming was going to open the door for you at AEPi and take you for a horseback ride around the Quad at midnight before giving you a light kiss on the cheek? I’m sure you had a lot of fun littering your bathroom floor with glitter that you tried to put on your face, but unless you happen to find someone with a repressed Disney fantasy, you’re probably walking yourself home alone.

Helen Keller: Leave your sexy superwoman costume at home. Nothing says strong, powerful woman like rolling up to a party in a prairie-style dress and a blindfold. You’re definitely getting some points for originality—just don’t knock over the beer pong table as you find your way to the door by yourself.

Anything involving a box: As proud as we all are that you found some way to recycle those boxes from move-in day, you and your friends dressed up as Tetris pieces aren’t really rockin’ it on the dance floor. You’re about as fuckable as someone who decided to stay in and play Tetris at home tonight.

Penis: So you bought the penis suit. I’m sure your mother is going to be really proud when all the relatives start calling her after seeing your pics online. Prepare some offensive pick-up lines to shout at girls from the corner of the room to really complete this look.

Zombie Bride: You will be everyone’s favorite person at the end of the party—no one is going to mug someone looking that jacked at 3 in the morning. You might get invited to the door, but no one wants to clean all that makeup off of their sheets the next morning.

Mental patient: Taking body shots all night because you just had to wear the straitjacket you got for your birthday? This says completely fuckable in all the worst ways. No worries. Someone who likes whips and bondage just as much as you will probably be at the party too; I’m sure your cray-dar will start beeping soon.

Sexy kitten, mouse, or any other small, furry animal: You look so fucking fuckable right now. Go look at yourself in the mirror. Yeah, you look hot. Make sure you travel in a pack, because stilettos are hard to balance on after a few too many tequila shots. You will have multiple offers for a lay, so choose wisely. Fuck, who am I to tell you to choose wisely? You’re wearing a leotard and ears right now; you’ve got this shit figured out.

Thing 1 and Thing 2: So you and your BFF were thinking about the best way to initiate a threesome? Well, you just hit the jackpot, because this costume is an oh-so-subtle way of accomplishing that goal! Thing 1 plus Thing 2 plus unassuming, yet incredibly well fortuned young man or woman equals three, and three’s the lucky number.