1. “Why is this so long?” 

Everyone would agree that the Oscars are definitely an efficient event. Absolutely no bloating whatsoever. And while the Academy promises to limit speakers’ speech time… there’s always that one guy who can’t shut the fuck up. 

2. “Ohhh, THAT actor.”

You thought Anthony Hopkins died 30 years ago! Turns out he’s just ancient. And he always wins. Always. 

3. “That dress costs more than my student loans.”

And yet, it still manages to be ugly as fuck. 

4. “I’m so happy for them!”

You found out this person exists nine minutes ago. 

5. “Never heard of that movie.”

The title is something pretentious like A Geography of Regret or The House that Faces North. If Hollywood is feeling really inventive, they’ll make another movie that can only be described as a “raw, unflinching portrait of a failing marriage in our fraught political moment.” It never fails to win Best Picture.