Alivisatos to Demolish the “bad parts” of Harper Library for a square-dancing arena

HARPER MEMORIAL LIBRARY—On Wednesday, University President Paul Alivisatos announced plans to demolish the first floor of Harper Memorial Library to make room for a “proper square-dancing field.” 

Alivisatos added that the remaining two floors of the building will be suspended from six cranes spaced strategically around Harper Quadrangle. To get to the upper floors, students will need to use a rope ladder. Everyone walking within 100 feet of Harper Quadrangle must wear a hard hat until completion of the project, sometime in the next ten years.

“It’s just the first floor,” Alivisatos said. “No one likes it anyway. The bathrooms never have paper towels.” Molecular engineers brought in to oversee the project said they saw no issue with removing the foundation of the building. The University declined a second opinion. 

“Harper Café will function as usual, but we will be changing our hours to accommodate our baristas, many of whom are afraid of rope ladders and square dancing,” the student-run cafe said in a statement.