University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)

The Office of Admissions has announced a new round of affirmative action policies for this coming admissions cycle. Applicants who show proficiency in electric scooter riding and/or are named “Sean” will be prioritized for acceptance. Asked about these changes, Dean of College Admissions James Nondorf replied, “We want to see more energy on this campus! That’s why we’re also instituting a 12% increase in the acceptance rate for those who can prove they live within 20 miles of a nuclear power plant.” Nondorf also mentioned that acceptance rates of women and people that reference the allegory of the cave in real life will be lowered.

In order to accommodate the influx of Seans, house leaders have begun using strangely specific nicknames. Sean “Receding Hairline” Q commented, “The nicknames are not accurate or helpful. I’m clearly the best Sean anyway.” Sean “Extra from the Barbie Movie” W countered that he, in fact, is the best Sean. 

We will update this story after the Sean battle takes place next week on the Midway. The winner keeps the name, and the approximately two hundred and nineteen losers must go by a nickname. Best of luck to all Seans.