Romney/Ryan Fan-Fiction Hard for Campaign to Swallow

By Maya Handa

Oct. 30, 2012

Presidential candidate Willard “Mitt” Romney and running mate Paul “Something Folksy” Ryan announced yesterday in a consensual press conference that they were deeply disturbed to have discovered online fan-fiction featuring them “doing it gaily,” according to Ryan.

“There I was, partaking in wholesome activities such as Photoshopping my face onto Ronald Reagan’s body and defending myself in the YouTube comments of Bruce Springsteen music videos, when I stumbled upon a page entitled ‘Fifty States of Gay,’” Romney said.

Apparently thinking it was a compendium of the 50 Eskimo words meaning “happy,” Romney followed the link, only to shudder at the passionate tale that met his eyes. “I thought I had already fantasized about all the possible combinations of intercourse that Mr. Ryan and I could have,” Romney claimed breathlessly.

Campaign spokesperson James Reed denied the possibility that the fan-fiction was based on true events: “It’s hard for Romney, as robotic as he is, to bend at the waist: the events portrayed are not within the realm of reason. Maybe if you really took the time lubricate his joints….”

The rest of the press conference was notable for its solemnity, as Romney and Ryan exchanged meaningful glances after every statement about the fan-fiction.

“I am just deeply disappointed that the authors didn’t even check their facts,” Ryan noted. “They failed to get even basic details correct—Mitt’s debate panties are purple with light purple stripes, not red!”