News in Brief: October 9, 2014

By Chicago Shady Dealer

Nov. 19, 2014

Free Condoms Removed from Campus as Part of New No Barriers Initiative

Dean of Admissions James Nondorf announced Tuesday that, as part of the school’s new No Barriers initiative, free condom services will be discontinued for the Class of 2019.

“We’re hoping to bring the University more in line with the high sperm acceptance rates at peer institutions,” said Dean Nondorf in a statement about the No Barriers program.

Dean Nondorf came to this decision with the aid of the recently created ad-hoc committee for Free and Open Intercourse, chaired by the brothers of Psi U.

The No Barriers initiative has been greeted with excitement by many students, especially prospective members of the Class of 2019. “UChicago was always my dream school, but I worried about the high cost of entry. Thanks to the No Barriers initiative, it will be easier for me to come,” prospective student Richard Hertz said.

“Now I just hope I can get in,” he added.

President Zimmer to Be Paid in Salt for the 2015-2016 Academic Year

President Robert Zimmer will be compensated in salt for the 2015-2016 academic year, after his annual physical revealed that his diet of carrots, broccoli, and gin had been too effective at reducing sodium intake.

“The University of Chicago is an institution steeped in tradition and history. Thus, the Board of Trustees has decided to award President Zimmer his salary in salt, as did the Roman centurions of old, ” said an anonymous member of the Board, who cannot be revealed lest students understand the power structure of this University.

The salt will be sourced locally from the salt mine at the Campus North construction. Reports from underground suggest that miners are already toiling to extract enough salt to satisfy Zimmer’s lust for the mineral.

Roommate Dies in Sexile

UChicago alumnus Everson Myers passed away in his sleep last night after 77 years in sexile. Myers, 86, entered the College as a first-year student in the Class of 1941, and was sexiled from his Snell dorm room on the Tuesday of O-Week by his roommate, fellow first-year Wendell Paterson.

Myers’s acquaintances described him as upbeat until the end, still harboring the hope that some day he might be able to return to his room. Once a week, he visited the Snell desk clerk to ask about the status of the sock on his doorknob, and each time was informed that it was, in fact, still there.

While University and Chicago Police Department officials could not comment on particular cases, an investigation by the Dealer indicates that neither Wendell Paterson nor his O-mantic partner have been seen since Wendell checked into Snell at 11:30 pm on September 23, 1941.

Plato Fails to Change Another First Year’s Life

Citing bad science, unoriginal thinking, and poor conception of the realities of modern democracy, first year student Asher McCormick declared himself “underwhelmed” by Plato.

As his professor began to wrap up on Friday afternoon, he asked the class for their final thoughts. In response to his professor’s question, Asher replied, “A generous 3/10. Would skim again.”

“It was obvious that this was the author’s first serious attempt at literature. The lack of character development was appalling, and don’t get me started on the number of plot holes in this thing,” he explained, before tossing his copy of The Republic into a nearby recycling bin.