Op-Ed | Deep State Responsible for Broken Crerar Sensors and Not Me

As an adult, I have the right to scan into the Crerar Library a few dozen times a day. So imagine the look on my face when the sensor stopped responding to my card when I got to Crerar first thing this morning. Did I say a few dozen times? I walk into that library a few hundred times a day.

Anyways, the sensors, which don’t work for anyone (not just me, trust me), were clearly remotely hacked by the Deep State to spy on the student body. The Deep State agenda, which takes specific interest in UChicago (why do you think UCPD is so big?), is trying to silence me from accessing Crerar. Since I walk into the library several hundred times a day, I’m the biggest target. Realizing this made me want to violently punch something that is small, gray, rectangular, and houses an LED light that is either red or green. You would need to be in my position to feel that way (Did I say I punched the sensor? I did not.).

Anyways, it’s more like punching in several hundred times per hour. I spend more time walking in and out of Crerar than working or eating. The Deep State knew how much this would affect me. The Deep State knew.