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May 26, 2015
Citing your product’s unusual color, texture, and melting point, Citing your product’s unusual color, texture, and melting point, a panel of MIT’s top scientists confirmed today that they have absolutely no clue what you’ve created in the laboratory portion of your organic chemistry class, nor do they understand how you managed to screw up the procedure so badly.
“This was supposed to be a simple lab,” reports Institute Professor of Chemical Engineering Dr. Olivia Mulligan. “Sophomores regularly synthesize hexaphenylbenzene with little to no difficulty. Yet, this product, which is supposed to be an odorless white powder, looks more like a pile of melted Starburst, and smells like the last cough of a dying man.”
Researchers originally tried to solve the puzzle by checking your reflux set-up, and asking if you added all the reagents in the correct volume and order. After rolling their eyes at your claim to have followed the procedure exactly, the panel glanced over your laboratory notebook, but surprisingly failed to find any written errors. “Huh,” the scientists remarked, looking back and forth between your anxiety-ridden face and the sticky, bubbling goop you created.
“Maybe I didn’t clean my glassware well enough?” you offered, hesitatingly, while three tenured professors gawked at your apparent incompetence. “It’s almost impressive, frankly,” commented Nobel Laureate Dr. Kenneth Wu. “I don’t think I could’ve done this even if I wanted to. I mean, seriously, why is it red?”
Eventually, after rubbing their temples and questioning the nature of causality for quite some time, the researchers offered: “Try adding some acetone, I guess?”
According to reports, you will be docked several points for your mistakes, especially for your melting point, which is 50 degrees above the accepted literature value. This assessment of your lab work represents the latest in a series of unfair grading decisions, given that you tried your hardest and didn’t even break anything this week.
At press time, you’ve decided to start cheating in your organic chemistry class.
a panel of MIT materials scientists and researchexperimental chemists confirmed today that they have absolutely no clue what you’ve created in the laboratory portion of your organic chemistry class, nor do they understandknow how you managed to screw up the procedure so badly. “This was supposed to be a simple lab,” reports Dr. Olivia Mulligan, InstitutePRobert Mullikenrimo Levi Distinguished headDistinguishedProfessor of Chemical Engineering Dr. Olivia Mulligan of MIT’s Chemical Sciences department. “Sophomores regularly synthesize hexaphenylbenzene with little to no difficulty. Yet this product, which is supposed to be an odorless white powder, looks more like a pile of melted sStarbursts, and it smells like the last cough of a dying man.”Researchers originally triedsought to solveaddress the nature of the substance the puzzle by checkingreexamining your reflux set-up, and askingensuring ithatf you added all the reagents in the correct volume and in the right order. After rolling their eyes at your claim that you you claimed to have followed the procedure exactly, the panel glanced overat your laboratory notebook, butand were, startlingly, unable to find any written errors. “Huh,,?” the scientists remarked, looking shifting their gazes uneasilyuneasily between your anxiety-ridden face and the possible new state of matter you somehow created. “Maybe I didn’t clean my glassware well enough?” you offered, hesitatingly, while three tenured professors gawked at your apparent incompetence. “It’s almost impressive, frankly,” commented Nobel Laureate Dr.Prize winner Dr. Kenneth Wu. “I don’t think I could’ve done this even if I‘d wanted to. I mean, seriously, wWhy is it red now?” Eventually, aAfter rubbing their temples and questioning the very nature of causality for quite some time, the researchers offered,suggested maybe adding some acetone or something.: “TTry adding some acetone, I guess??”According to the panel’s reports, you will be docked several points for your mistakes, —especialparticularlyly for your melting point, which is 50 degrees above the literature value, and 23 degrees above that thought possible by scienceaccepted literature valuevalue given in the literature. This assessment of your lab work represents the latest in a series of unfair grading movesdecisions, given that you tried your hardest and didn’t even break anything today.At press time, you’ve decided to start cheating in your organic chemistry class. to start cheating in your organic chemistry class.
