5 Albums You Should Only Masturbate To On Vinyl

By Teddy Zamborsky

May 13, 2016

1. Exile on Mainstreet – The Rolling Stones

Can you think of a better album to shake your hips,s, and your spidermonkey, to in its original analog format? Well, we put it on this list, so clearly, neither could we. Trust me, we really tried.

2. Blonde on Blonde – Bob Dylan

Let’s be honest, who hasn’t flicked their bean while thinking about one blonde ‘on’ another blonde. Oh, you haven’t? Well, let me tell you, it is… Oh, this album isn’t about THAT?. Oh, wWhat album am I thinking of? Oh well, maybe it was a bootleg.

3. Dark Side of the Moon – Pink Floyd

Do you know what happens if you read the liner notes to Dark Side of the Moon while listening to Dark Side of the Moon? Neither do we,, because when we drop the needle on our turntable to listen to this timeless work, we are too busy spanking the monkey to bother reading them.

4. John F Kennedy Speeches: A Memorial Collection – Ted Sorensen

Ask not what this CUMtry can do for you, but what you can do for your CUMtry, amirite? Amirite guys? Guys…?

5. 21st Century Breakdown – Green Day

Green Day would really appreciate it if you would only masturbate to this album they way they intended. Trust me. I called them. They sounded really sad.