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Nov. 18, 2016
In a move made “in the interests of student physical well-being and health,” the Texas State Board of Education (SBOE) has announced it will phase in dowwn down-home pulled pork BBQ as a new food group. “Because no Ssouthern state can ever be too Ssouthern, especially a state like Texas, we wanted to introduce a food that was both Ssouthern and welcoming of to our diverse population,” said SBOE Chairmember Thomas Ratliff. “Don’t get me wrong; other Ssouthern foods like chitlins and hush puppies are delicious. However, we thought having to constantly explain what food these hokiley-named Southern things actually are would get annoying. Additionally, pulled pork was one of the five popular Ssouthern foods that was notn’t either fried or literally just fat.”
The SBOE’s student nutritional guide recommends at least 8 ounces of pulled pork (the equivalent of 2-3 medium– sized Sloppy Joes) a day. The Board‘s initial statement noted that the meat of the pulled pork, the tomato paste present in the healthy slather of BBQ sauce, and the expert blend of herbs made pulled pork “akin to a superfood.” Texas students were mostly pleased with the change. “Maybe if they acknowledge meat as a food group, they’ll acknowledge candy as a fruit group when it’s ‘made with real juice!’“ said San Antonio high school student Lucas Monreal. “I mean they’ve taught us that , half of this state is taught that evolution iwasn’t real, and aand all of us are forced to pretend like abstinence is the only effective form of birth control, so the Board’s done crazier things! I have so much hope.”
As of release of this story, the SBOE is considering making school prayer a food group as well.
