Chicago Shady Dealer

Administration Partners with Laundry Machines to Steal Socks from Students

Attention: if you or a loved one lives in University Housing and couldn’t find two matching socks this morning, then this message might concern you.

If you haven’t already guessed, something’s afoot. Housing Staff were recently busted for installing laundry machines specifically designed to trap socks inside their capsules and retain them when the rest of the load is removed. Said socks would be collected secretly at 9am – before University students wake up – packaged, and then sold. Further investigation of the financials implicates University administration. Student victims of the operation have filed a multi-million-dollar class-action lawsuit.

“Look, we had no choice,” claimed the University Treasurer. “I put the Board’s lunch money for the year in my shoe for safekeeping, and then when I couldn’t find it, I started looking in my socks as well. And then other people’s socks. It’s funny – I started out with socks and ended up in a suit,” he mused. “But come on, we’re only turning a 99-cent profit per milkshake and we had to find a way to finish in the black.”

Surprisingly, many affected students have refused to join in the suit, despite all signs of a handsome settlement. They’re after something else. “We just want our socks back!” screamed one in an interview, removing his boots to expose his bare trotters. “These precious lads need clothes this winter as much as you and I. And no, I can’t just get new ones. Do you know how hard it was to get those perfectly tasteful, not-too-revealing holes in them?”

“I came to this school with like 7 different socks, and now I only have two – that’s one for each foot. Now there won’t be any on my floor,” remarked another angrily.

Undergraduate Health and Society major Miles Walker profoundly observed, “Victims of this sandal – I mean scandal – will certainly take time to heel, but the sole of our community is now stronger than ever.”

But Miles probably spoke to soon because socks continue to disappear: apparently the machines, expertly trained for the diabolical task, are still on a mission, now more than ever. And soles across the community are getting pretty gross.

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