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Feb. 7, 2017
Jamestown, Virginia, 1607 – Sources have confirmed that the first white people have arrived in the New World and have immediately begun explaining to the native population the merits of the CW series Gilmore Girls. The white settlers, whose ship arrived early this morning, wasted no time in describing their favorite scenes from the show at length and frequently asked natives what they thought of the show’s controversial seventh season. seventh season reboot, A Year in the Life.
“When we first landed here, I couldn’t believe that none of these people had seen Gilmore Girls,” said white settler Katelyn Bernhard. “I was like OMG [sic], where have you guys been? I binged the whole show last summer after I finished How I Met Your Mother and I’ve been super into the fandom ever since.”
Not only had the continent’s indigenous inhabitants not watched all seven seasons of the comedy/dramadramedy, but none them had any familiarity with the show or it’s recent revival Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. When asked about the quickest route to the “quiet, storybook town of Stars Hollow, Connecticut,”, natives responded with puzzlement and a few inconspicuous eye rolls.
“None of these people have even heard of Gilmore Girls! What the hell!” said exasperated white Brad McClintick-Daniels. “How do you not know about Rory and Lorelai at this point? Have they, like, not even looked at Buzzfeed in the past seven years? I asked someone if he thought that Rory should have ended up with Dean at the end of season 1, and he just stared at me like I was an idiot. God, I just can’t even.”
When asked for comment, the indigenous Americans were reserved. Some speculated that Rory and Lorelai were royalty in the settler’s homeland, while others suspected that they were vengeful gods of a show was some form of foreign religion that required constant worship and conversion of nonbelievers.
“Whatever this Gilmore Girls thing is, it sure means a lot to these people,“. said an anonymous native person. “Its has been a whole day and they haven’t talked to us about anything else. They should really start thinking about gathering food or making some shelters; at this ratethe rate they’re going, the whole group is gonna be mountain lion chow by nightfall.”
At press time, the settlers were cutting down the local wilderness to create the continent’s first frozen yogurt shop.
