Feb. 7, 2017
Washington, D.C. – Shortly after her confirmation as President Trump’s Secretary of Educationeducation secretary, Betsy DeVos was seen cackling in the face of a small orphan as he humbly asked for a second helping of gruel. The orphan, a tender seven-year-old child, wept bitterly as DeVos gleefully informed him that he had already consumed his daily gruel ration and would be swiftly punished if he asked again. Following the incident, the Amway heiress issued a statement to the Dealer from a private administration luncheon.
“You didn’t use to see that sort of impudence from children in the good old days,” stated DeVos while greedily sucking the meat from a freshly cracked lobster claw. “Back then, kids knew that if they gave you any lip they could wind up working in a sweatshop, coal mine, or sweeping chimneys for pennies an hour. Nowadays, they don’t show you any respect; it’s like they all think that they’re somehow entitled to a quality education.
“But don’t you worry,” said a winking DeVos. “President Trump and I are gonna have this place turned around in no time. You won’t see any more impoverished children brave enough to beg for gruel on my watch. Just you wait!”
DeVos was later seen taking notes on a copy of Charles Dickens’ Oliver Twist and nodding approvingly.