By Alex Dunlap May 13, 2014 Robert J. Zimmer was seriously injured last week after a run-in with a mountain lion outside his University Avenue home. According to reports, President Zimmer was fumbling…

By Alex Foster May 13, 2014 Every day, millions of students enter Cathey Dining Commons eager to once more satisfy their insatiable yearnings for oil and Chicken Nugget Parmesan. And day after day,…

By Isaac Krone May 13, 2014 The clothing industry is in tumult today as its best and brightest minds desperately seekh for what analysts call the “new black.” This coveted resource, arguably the…

By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2014 Look, I know this isn’t the “politically correct” thing to say these days, but I have to get something off my chest. I don’t believe in gay…

By James Ekstrom May 13, 2014 This Thursday, the Department of Defense announced its plans to re-invade the Middle Eastern nation of Iraq as a throwback tribute to the U.S. invasions carried out…

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By Daniel Moattar May 14, 2014 The Human Cannonball has entered the canon, observers report. The release of The Cannonball has been heralded as “a major event in the world of entertainment” for…

By Chris Deakin May 14, 2014 Approaching the end of a lengthy college career spent putting off both academic and professional work, fourth-year Donald Sterling reports that he is excited to finally have…

By Daniel Moattar May 14, 2014 The editorial staff of The Chicago Shady Dealer is innocent, the balance of evidence suggests. The evidence, which is largely circumstantial, hinges on an unprovable assertion that…

By Evan Bernstein July 23, 2014 Dear Disastrously Misapplied Nietzsche, My boyfriend won’t stop emailing with his ex. He told me that he’d stopped talking to her, but I logged on to his…